Re: ON THE AIR with Kimber - a Blowgirls serial
All right, so I may have left off on a slightly more ominous (or promising, depending on point of view) note than intended, but Academy Award night was coming up and considering our usual coverage it would be criminal to not make a show around that. Or go a bit crazy with the decorations, for that matter. I'd always envisioned it as a two-parter, with Kim first discussing the nominees and then talking about the results...with the pretty obvious drawback that we wouldn't know the latter ahead of time. But I found a workaround, as you'll see in a bit.
Rewriting the script to include a co-host was pleasant enough, especially since I just made general guidelines for them to improvise around. I felt it would give a more genuine impression, and maybe reveal some of their personal preferences. The second part was way harder and took a lot more research, despite being both briefer and sillier.
First things first though. As we wanted a really impressive set piece, we somehow managed to fasten two lengths of plastic pipes running from floor to ceiling in front of the darker backdrop. Then the 'fun' began. We dressed as some kind of stagehands, in simple but functional clothes - Lex opting to go wigless with her shortish natural hair on display over a tank top and cargo pants while Kim tied her tresses back with a headband after putting on a loose V-neck and casual fit jeans. I myself pulled my hair into a ponytail and chose a black tee with matching slacks to go along. Kriss, who'd be in charge of the operation, wore off-white chinos and a short-sleeved workshirt topped with a vest sporting plenty of pockets and a dark baseball cap on her head.
We aimed the camera at the general area and got down to work. My wife took command right away.
"All right, crew - we've got a lot to do and not much time. Let's get blowing!"
She handed us big handfuls of balloons pulled from her seemingly bottomless pockets. They were eleven-inchers in rose-gold chrome, but after blowing them full we had to let out enough air to fit them through a nine-inch hole in a piece of stiff cardboard while squeezing them rounder. Luckily we each had one of those or the whole thing would have taken a lot longer than it already did.
After inflating two we tied them together and put them aside until another pair was finished and could be twisted onto the first. The sounds of whooshing and puffing filled the room as our breath filled up loon after loon, mixed with the squeaking of the latex globes rubbing against each other. Very occasionally a sudden pop provided some variety in the soundtrack.
Kriss of course didn't just supervise but took eager part in the balloon blowing and twisting. She was the one causing the most pops, making her calls of "Careful!" whenever someone else happened to burst one ring kinda hollow.
I had long since lost count of how many I'd blown up - only that I'd refilled my supply twice - when our acting project leader said it was time to try assembling a column. So starting from the bottom, she pushed the middle of a balloon cluster against the left pipe and wrapped two of the knots around each other to hold the set in place. There were a few appreciative sounds from her crew, which grew outright enthusiastic when the second group of loons snapped in place just above and rotated forty-five degrees to the side. It looked really professional.
It was nice to have a break from all that puffing while the column grew higher and higher. To the surprise of no one Kriss got careless in her haste to be done and accidentally popped a couple of balloons along the way. To her credit, she owned those mistakes and quickly inflated replacements all by herself. A small stepladder let her reach the top and I handed her the loony foursomes until I realized we'd run out.
"Well, don't just stand there", Kriss said, digging into her pocket. "Blow me some more."
She dropped a bunch of uninflated chromes towards my cupped hands, though as you can imagine not all them landed inside them. Lex and Kim picked up the strays for immediate inflation while I started on the ones I'd actually caught. Soon enough the next layer was in place but the perfectionist upstairs still wasn't satisfied.
"There's room for one more", she announced. "Come on, blow, blow!"
I shook my head. "It'll be out of frame anyway".
"No use leaving it half done", Kriss stated, and it was clear she'd make them herself if we didn't. Since I didn't want to see her topple off mid-twist I sighed, inhaled and began to blow up what I hoped would be the final balloon.
I half expected that last set to pop from being wedged against the ceiling, but the underinflation must have made them more resistant. Kriss climbed down and gave the blown-up pillar an appreciative nod.
"One down, one to go!"
I had managed to push that to the back of my mind and my heart sank at the thought of having do just as many balloons all over again. In defense of Kriss she had counted how many clusters it took, so there was that.
As we blew up the second collection I decided the members would get this part at double speed. Or maybe both of them. It was going to be a pretty long video anyway, but then I remembered the ones who had specified loving to hear the sounds of balloons being inflated and expressed disappointment in Kim's shortening of the balloon room setup. So one at regular speed, one much faster sounded about right - at least to me. I could always slow it down for any pops.
To my amazement there weren't any this time around, and the whole process seemed much quicker overall. Guess we'd hit some kind of flow. And from the way the room looked when we were done, all that work hadn't been in vain. It looked nicer than anything we'd attempted before.
"Wow", Kriss said. "Good job. That was the hard part. Now we just have to spruce the desk up a bit."
Well, maybe not the actual desk, but what was behind it. For that side of the room we'd decided on silver balloons with white stars printed all over the top half. Them being 12-inchers wasn't a problem since there would be far less of them. The same model was available as sixteens too, but after trying and comparing it was clear twelves would look better. Still, Kriss wanted them used to maximum effect. She made us blow them up to full capacity and hold them in place for inspection. Even if she tried to hide it I could see she doubted the results.
And then Lexi's loon popped in her hand from the sheer pressure, dooming those plans in the process. Kriss shrugged.
"All right, let's try letting half of the air out of the necks."
That was far better, but still not quite right. With the print not going all the way down, there was just a tad too much plain silver at the bottom. Meanwhile, Lex had blown herself a new balloon and stopped just when the neck started to get pronounced. Me and Kim deflated ours to match and Kriss reluctantly had to concede it was what we should go for.
"But blow them as far as they'll go anyway. Will make them less likely to pop after you let some out."
Naturally we had to do as she said, and just as naturally that caused a few overinflations. In fact, all of us had at least one explode in our faces from following those instructions. But since softened balloons might be better in the long run, no one protested. Besides, it was fun watching Kriss fall victim to her own stupid idea twice. Pretty impressive considering she only had to fill three balloons.
Then we stuck them firmly to the back wall and once more did the helium imitation trick. The strings were stretched so tautly towards the floor it really did give the impression of the loons straining to break free.
Setting up the studios had taken all morning and it felt really good to stop for lunch. Alex and Kim were starting to get giddy at the thought of getting to shoot together again and almost skipped away as they set off to get ready. Kriss, on the other hand, was all too happy to share a sweet makeout session with me as we waited. I found myself complimenting her on the setup between kisses and gushing a bit over how nice it all had turned out.
Kriss smiled. "I would have done it all by myself if I thought for a moment any of you wouldn't be up for it."
"And done it without even breaking a sweat, huh, 'Iron Lungs'?"
"Maybe a little one", Kriss admitted. "But you'd help wash it off, right?"
"With my tongue." Then I ran the same around her ear and blew into it.
She gasped and pulled me closer and I barely managed to stop myself from asking if she wanted to make love. It would be all the sweeter for waiting until the shooting was done.
It was just as well we didn't start on anything advanced, because our lifemates soon returned all dressed up in glitzy gala gowns and evening make-up, exaggerated a bit for the camera. Their black dresses sparkled with silvery sequins and wouldn't have looked out of place at the actual Oscars. It was after all their best going-out ones and they looked absolutely amazing in them. Lexi's new blonde wig fit so perfectly with her outfit she couldn't have many regrets about buying it. And Kriss, who got her first real look at it, fairly swooned at the sight.
"Gods, Sweet Cheeks, you take my breath away!"
"Sorry", Alex grinned. "Here, have it back."
It was just an excuse to kiss her, of course, but on general principle she did blow some air into Krissie's mouth while she was at it.
Kim, for her part, had collected her hair in an elegant and voluminous updo. A couple of thick, loosely curled strands hung down on each side and sparkling earrings dangled behind them while a matching necklace gleamed on her chest. Lex was of course similarly equipped in the jewelry department. It would hopefully have the same effect on the viewers as on my wife. Can't say I was unaffected either, but I had expected nothing less.
"So", I asked, "are you ready for your closeup?"
They were, and soon both sat in the spotlight usually reserved for Kim. Lexi was properly introduced as Alexis 'Sweet Cheeks' Riley and her career as a musician got a mention as well. After a brief and probably superfluous mention of what the awards were about and how long they'd been around, they began to discuss the year's nominees and make guesses. That kind of content worked much better with more than one person in the studio and their chemistry made it run along nice and smooth. Considering the overall tone of the show they had an uncommonly serious talk about the predictions - all smiles, of course, but rather less humor than usual.
Eventually Kim faced the camera. "Join us tomorrow for the revelations! And make sure to like and subscribe to hear about a very special award."
They both blew the viewers a confetti-filled kiss, the sparkling particles star-shaped to fit the occasion, but stayed on to film the promised extra content right away as a secret continuation of the episode. Kim brushed some errant mini-stars out of sight before starting on the next bit.
"Do you think the jury make up their minds ahead of time or do they hesitate until the last moment?"
Lexi looked skywards, then shrugged. "Guess that depends on the person. I'm more interested if any of them are bought."
Kim seemed to agree. "Must be many things to take into account. Just for fun, I thought we'd give the viewers a chance to vote themselves."
"Oh? How do we go about that?"
"Simple!" Kim's hand went out of sight and returned holding a pair of those 16-inchers we'd passed on for decoration purposes. They'd be just right for this, though.
She handed one to Lexi and went on. "We blow these up and let them guess which one will pop first."
Lex looked the balloon over, stretching it this way and that. "Just from us blowing into them?"
Kimber looked at her with slight disbelief. "Of course - anything else would be cheating."
Alex nodded approvingly. "Yeah, I'd say that's simple enough."
"Great!" Kim exclaimed, stretching her own balloon. "So are you ready?"
Her opponent gave a combative grin. "Ready and willing."
"I'll count us in. On your mark, get set, blow!"
With that they both begun to puff furiously into the silvery latex, inflating it with remarkable speed and force. The printed stars spread apart and grew bigger as the balloons expanded and each lady understood all too well how to make it even more exciting for the viewers - by tilting her balloon slightly downwards so she could stare directly at the audience in a silent challenge to look away, which no one in their right mind would do, and also imploring them to vote just for her.
I wondered how many votes either would get and whether they'd match the actual outcome. I kept filming until a loud detonation signaled the end of the match and let the camera roll for a bit to let the loser do what she wanted, but when editing I would cut it off just before the critical moment to preserve the uncertainty and make sure people turned in for the next ep as well.
Me and Kriss gave them a big hand as they rose and flattered them shamelessly for acing the new format. We reviewed the material right away and found it broadcast-worthy, and all that was left was for me and Kriss to slip on some dresses too and prepare the final props. We hadn't done it ahead of time to give our stars a chance to rest and review the script some more, since they wouldn't have cue cards within reach this time. Or some of it at least.
And it was at this point Lexi became difficult.
"Uh-uhn. No way I'm presenting the awards unless I can do it in a tux."
I know her well enough to realize this was her way at getting back at me for not letting her dress up for Valentine's, and told her so.
"It'd be a shame but Kim can do it alone as we planned at first."
The blonde star shook her head. "I'm with her. You said I could wear one whenever I found a suitable occasion, and I can't think of many more suited for a suit."
Don't think the thought hadn't crossed my mind, because it was a pretty damn obvious opportunity. And it wasn't me not liking the idea - I certainly did - I just wanted to keep the public displays to a minimum. Maybe for fear of being called out, or being accused of doing the whole thing for my own purposes, or whatever. Though no matter the reason, I sure wasn't gonna protest too much.
"Not a bad idea", Kriss said. "But that pretty much means me and Chel should match the look."
There was literally nothing saying that but her, though there wasn't anything contradicting it either.
"We're overdue a black tie dinner anyway", she went on. "Let's wrap this up and go somewhere fancy in our work clothes."
That earned her a giggle and we all set off to get changed. I did check a few details to make sure we wouldn't be mistaken for presenters - as Lex does pretty much every public appearance in a skirt this would be no exception, so me and Kriss could go with pants. Fine by me. Also, they'd be wearing wingtip shirts which we would counter with turndown collars.
Having that in mind my wife and I went to put on different evening wear than I had imagined. But disappointing might be the wrong way to phrase it.
Looking appropriately formal Kriss located the stuffing machine she'd bought out of sheer curiosity and brought it to a neutral-looking corner of the dining room. Her elegant appearance was somewhat marred by the baseball cap she'd put on to maintain the illusion we were the same stagehands as before, and for the same reason I kept the ponytail. I carried the camera in and Kriss set up the contraption, taking the opportunity to explain how it worked while keeping in character, acting as if a roving reporter team had walked by while making a backstage documentary.
In lieu of envelopes, we used white balloons to contain the cards I'd prepared - along with a small handful of glitter. Naturally a funnel wouldn't be enough for that but thanks to the otherwise seldom used technology we could easily put them in. Although we did deflate them at once to blow them back up by mouth, because when you have a gimmick you'd better stick to it. But it wasn't without risks, as I found out when a balloon burst just as I was about to finish reinflating it. One of the corners of the card had probably damaged the latex when it shrunk down around it.
Kriss had the worst time keeping a straight face - let alone a stern one - as she helped brush the sparkling dust off my lapels. I'm enough of an old hand in the business to have avoided buying the finest kind though - that crap takes forever to clean up.
Anyway, in the end we had six card-and-air-filled balloons and I very carefully brought them to the studio while Kriss fetched the presenters.
I will say this - I had absolutely no doubts Lex made the right call. They'd gone straight past looking smart and hit striking, keeping the elegance from the first shoot and only swapping out the gowns. The high waistbands of the knee-length black shirts shone like satin cummerbunds below the open but well-fitting coats. A row of golden buttons marked the middle of their white shirtfronts and their immaculate bow ties finished the impression of having dressed to impress. Even the jacket sleeves were just the right length to show off the bright cuffs below.
"I'm glad you didn't pull this on me the other week", I told Lex. "Because then we'd probably never have left the house."
"That's too bad", she grinned, "because I believe Krissie's taking us out after this."
Kim adjusted her tie coyly. "And me, boss?"
"Don't even get me started." Telling her what I was thinking would only stoke her ego.
I set the camera up in the right direction and the presenters walked on from each side to meet in the middle, making zero allusions to their new getups and acting as the look was only to be expected.
Kim announced they were there to present the winners - but as there was no telling what the committee would actually pick, they would instead hand out prizes for the year's worst...in entirely new categories. (Like 'least convincing effects' or 'most cringeworthy line' and so on. It had taken some time to decide as I had to check through different forums for things being ridiculed. Because of that I'd opted out of listing more than one nominee.)
Whenever they reached a point where an award was to be given, I walked in and handed them one of the balloons in what I hoped would appear to be a dignified manner. Kim and Lex took turns popping them in a burst of glitter, catching the hidden card and reading it out aloud. Needless to say, the silliness clashed with both the act and the setting in a way I found pretty damn amusing.
They made some comments on the motivations I'd jotted down, improvising whenever an opportunity arose. At the end they thanked the viewers for watching, reminded them there was an extra award in the subscriber’s section and to check there to find out who had won. We went on to film the presentation of that right away.
"Welcome back!" Kim said. "It's time to reveal the winner of yesterday's bout. Did you place a vote? Or are you holding out on your verdict?"
"Last chance to guess", Lexi announced, "because the result is about to come in."
That was my cue to walk on with a regular envelope. I handed it to Kim and she slowly opened the flap as I retreated.
She drew a deep breath and went on in acted anticipation. "And the winner is..."
"Oh, cut it out", Alex said. "We both know what happened."
"Yes, but tradition is tradition."
"Let's show them instead."
Here I would cut back to the final stretch of the contest for a visual reveal. They had both blown impressive necks on their balloons and it was a matter of mere moments before either of them would go bang. But instead there was a whoosh and a whoops as Lexi's loon escaped and sputtered away while Kim triumphantly blew in another insufficient breath - followed by one that made her starry globe vanish with a resounding boom. Cue a return to the current episode.
"Oh yes, you dropped out of the race", Kim smiled.
"The balloon dropped out. Check what the jury has to say."
Her colleague looked inside the envelope and the smug expression turned into puzzlement. She withdrew not a card but a fresh pair of twins to the balloons they'd used for the contest.
"A win on walkover isn't a real win", Lex stated. "So I thought a rematch would be in order. That is, if you dare."
"Of course I do", Kim said. I would have said 'huffed' if she hadn't kept the brilliant, audience-friendly smile. "Choose your weapon."
Lexi picked one of the offered rubber pouches at random and stretched it in a business-like manner. Kim did the same and beckoned me over to count them in. Standing off to the side, I gave them the same start as previously.
"On you marks... Get set... Blow!"
Most of their pretenses at dignity went away as they set about the task, each thinking of nothing but inflating their balloon past the bursting point before the other one could. Huge exhales rapidly stretched the latex into silvery spheres and it looked like an even match until Lexi's loon popped halfway full.
"No fair!" Kim cried. "Cut!"
Alex actually agreed. "That was an accident. Can't count that."
I nodded. I didn't have any problems with having to count them in again - if they wanted to redo the subscriber bit from the start it was all on their heads.
I sent Kriss for new balloons and watched the contestants refresh their makeup. Then they redid the take and it went exactly as before until the balloon part. They were still blowing just as hard as before, puffing out their cheeks as immensely while forcing copious amounts of air into the bulging latex over and over again. But this time both loons held out until they'd reached their absolute limits, with long, gleaming necks that were almost intimidating in their tightness, until Alexis' balloon exploded with an incredible bang and an immense shower of glimmering, sparkling stars.
So the result turned out the same as well. Kim pinched off her ready-to-burst glitter bomb and gingerly held it to the side.
"There you have it! 'Sweet Cheeks' Riley is the winner!" She glanced at her lover who was striking a proud and happy pose that could best be described as just a tad superior-looking. "But what do you expect from a professional trumpet player?"
Kimber turned back to her audience. "That's all we had for you today! See you next time - and be sure to lemme know if you wanna see more of her." She hiked a thumb at Lex.
"This is Kimber, going off the air - for now!"
Then she drew an absolutely humongous breath and holding the balloon with both hands blew all of it into the swollen latex. The exhale went on for so long Kim seemed at risk of running out of air before the balloon would give up and she bent forward to add some extra force, gazing straight at the camera all the way.
The pop came so suddenly that Kim kept blowing between her now-empty fingers for about half a second without registering she no longer had to. But before the tiny stars and glitter dust had fully settled on the floor she'd straightened her back and tossed away what little remained of the rubber with a huge, open-mouthed smile that was so alluring I was a bit disappointed Lexi had dibs on kissing her after the filming stopped. Instead I turned to Kriss.
"I see you made a last-minute addition."
"Executive decision. Felt the accident lacked something compared to the prize balloons."
"Go ahead and say it. 'It just didn't pop', right?"
She laughed. "Oh, that it did!"
"Granted, the glitter would have made them match. But the confetti?"
"A little extra for the grand finale. A star-studded end to a star-studded evening!"
I sighed. "It's not evening. And the afternoon hasn't exactly been star-studded. In fact, the only thing that was were the balloons - after you got to them."
Then I gave in and took her in my arms. "It looked great, Kissie. Absolutely wonderful. It was a fantastic way to finish. But I still wish you'd let me know these things ahead of time."
"Then you just would've worried they'd pop from the pointy bits."
She was right, of course. And since they hadn't it was probably better that way... this time. I could easily remember half a dozen occasions where it would have been better to tell me first.
Kriss kissed my cheek. "If it makes you feel better I blew up a trial one to check. Even saved the evidence. Look."
She pulled a shapeless, deflated thing from her pocket and put it into my hand. I could vaguely feel the contents through the sturdy rubber, and they weren't precisely shuriken. I began inflating it and realized there was no way the girls hadn't noticed the contents, even if there'd been no outward signs of that. Guess they too knew Kriss well enough to know what to expect.
Taking a cue from their recreated camshow I pretended to be unable to go on, and my wife was all too happy to take over for a bit. And when I got the loon back for seconds I hammed the scared-of-popping act up as much as I could, which Kriss tried to top on her next turn. As I probably wouldn't be able to outdo that it was maybe just as well the balloon broke from her breath, resulting in a shrill, girlish scream complete with trembling hands in front of her face. It was so out of character Lex and Kim came running to see what's wrong, which of course made it even funnier. It also brought them into reach for some congratulatory kisses before we removed the balloons, naturally filmed for the members.
That was a very quick and workman-like affair, each of us holding a pin and methodically jabbing every shiny globe in turn until nothing was left but lots of rubber knots and shards all over the floor. Watching the setting up and taking down videos in turn would probably give the impression of us preparing and participating in a very formal balloon popping party.
The presenters got to burst the silvery dozen behind the desk by themselves while Kriss finally discarded her cap and I let my ponytail out. Both of us would need some work on our hair before we could go out.
In fact, we all had to adjust our looks a bit - Kim and Lexi toning theirs down and me and Kriss spiffing them up. But soon we were more than presentable and a limo took us to the restaurant my wife's sort-of-fame had produced reservations at. While our outfits might have stood out a bit, the staff and clientele were far too well-heeled to raise even an eyebrow at the sight. Besides, there were several gentlemen dressed just like us.
We talked and laughed while we ate and after three delicious courses I felt about as good as I ever had outside of the bedroom. All in all it had turned out to be an enjoyable day.
When we got home I finally got the chance to whisper the question I'd put off earlier and as a reply got just the suggestive smile I'd been hoping for.
So when Kim asked "Well - what now?" Kriss had the answer all ready.
"Don't know about you, but we're off to make love."
"Whatta coincidence", Lex said. "Feel free to join us when you're done."
And we did, but only to share goodnight kisses and sleep next to them. There are some limits to the debauchery in this house.
Episode 19
All right, so I may have left off on a slightly more ominous (or promising, depending on point of view) note than intended, but Academy Award night was coming up and considering our usual coverage it would be criminal to not make a show around that. Or go a bit crazy with the decorations, for that matter. I'd always envisioned it as a two-parter, with Kim first discussing the nominees and then talking about the results...with the pretty obvious drawback that we wouldn't know the latter ahead of time. But I found a workaround, as you'll see in a bit.
Rewriting the script to include a co-host was pleasant enough, especially since I just made general guidelines for them to improvise around. I felt it would give a more genuine impression, and maybe reveal some of their personal preferences. The second part was way harder and took a lot more research, despite being both briefer and sillier.
First things first though. As we wanted a really impressive set piece, we somehow managed to fasten two lengths of plastic pipes running from floor to ceiling in front of the darker backdrop. Then the 'fun' began. We dressed as some kind of stagehands, in simple but functional clothes - Lex opting to go wigless with her shortish natural hair on display over a tank top and cargo pants while Kim tied her tresses back with a headband after putting on a loose V-neck and casual fit jeans. I myself pulled my hair into a ponytail and chose a black tee with matching slacks to go along. Kriss, who'd be in charge of the operation, wore off-white chinos and a short-sleeved workshirt topped with a vest sporting plenty of pockets and a dark baseball cap on her head.
We aimed the camera at the general area and got down to work. My wife took command right away.
"All right, crew - we've got a lot to do and not much time. Let's get blowing!"
She handed us big handfuls of balloons pulled from her seemingly bottomless pockets. They were eleven-inchers in rose-gold chrome, but after blowing them full we had to let out enough air to fit them through a nine-inch hole in a piece of stiff cardboard while squeezing them rounder. Luckily we each had one of those or the whole thing would have taken a lot longer than it already did.
After inflating two we tied them together and put them aside until another pair was finished and could be twisted onto the first. The sounds of whooshing and puffing filled the room as our breath filled up loon after loon, mixed with the squeaking of the latex globes rubbing against each other. Very occasionally a sudden pop provided some variety in the soundtrack.
Kriss of course didn't just supervise but took eager part in the balloon blowing and twisting. She was the one causing the most pops, making her calls of "Careful!" whenever someone else happened to burst one ring kinda hollow.
I had long since lost count of how many I'd blown up - only that I'd refilled my supply twice - when our acting project leader said it was time to try assembling a column. So starting from the bottom, she pushed the middle of a balloon cluster against the left pipe and wrapped two of the knots around each other to hold the set in place. There were a few appreciative sounds from her crew, which grew outright enthusiastic when the second group of loons snapped in place just above and rotated forty-five degrees to the side. It looked really professional.
It was nice to have a break from all that puffing while the column grew higher and higher. To the surprise of no one Kriss got careless in her haste to be done and accidentally popped a couple of balloons along the way. To her credit, she owned those mistakes and quickly inflated replacements all by herself. A small stepladder let her reach the top and I handed her the loony foursomes until I realized we'd run out.
"Well, don't just stand there", Kriss said, digging into her pocket. "Blow me some more."
She dropped a bunch of uninflated chromes towards my cupped hands, though as you can imagine not all them landed inside them. Lex and Kim picked up the strays for immediate inflation while I started on the ones I'd actually caught. Soon enough the next layer was in place but the perfectionist upstairs still wasn't satisfied.
"There's room for one more", she announced. "Come on, blow, blow!"
I shook my head. "It'll be out of frame anyway".
"No use leaving it half done", Kriss stated, and it was clear she'd make them herself if we didn't. Since I didn't want to see her topple off mid-twist I sighed, inhaled and began to blow up what I hoped would be the final balloon.
I half expected that last set to pop from being wedged against the ceiling, but the underinflation must have made them more resistant. Kriss climbed down and gave the blown-up pillar an appreciative nod.
"One down, one to go!"
I had managed to push that to the back of my mind and my heart sank at the thought of having do just as many balloons all over again. In defense of Kriss she had counted how many clusters it took, so there was that.
As we blew up the second collection I decided the members would get this part at double speed. Or maybe both of them. It was going to be a pretty long video anyway, but then I remembered the ones who had specified loving to hear the sounds of balloons being inflated and expressed disappointment in Kim's shortening of the balloon room setup. So one at regular speed, one much faster sounded about right - at least to me. I could always slow it down for any pops.
To my amazement there weren't any this time around, and the whole process seemed much quicker overall. Guess we'd hit some kind of flow. And from the way the room looked when we were done, all that work hadn't been in vain. It looked nicer than anything we'd attempted before.
"Wow", Kriss said. "Good job. That was the hard part. Now we just have to spruce the desk up a bit."
Well, maybe not the actual desk, but what was behind it. For that side of the room we'd decided on silver balloons with white stars printed all over the top half. Them being 12-inchers wasn't a problem since there would be far less of them. The same model was available as sixteens too, but after trying and comparing it was clear twelves would look better. Still, Kriss wanted them used to maximum effect. She made us blow them up to full capacity and hold them in place for inspection. Even if she tried to hide it I could see she doubted the results.
And then Lexi's loon popped in her hand from the sheer pressure, dooming those plans in the process. Kriss shrugged.
"All right, let's try letting half of the air out of the necks."
That was far better, but still not quite right. With the print not going all the way down, there was just a tad too much plain silver at the bottom. Meanwhile, Lex had blown herself a new balloon and stopped just when the neck started to get pronounced. Me and Kim deflated ours to match and Kriss reluctantly had to concede it was what we should go for.
"But blow them as far as they'll go anyway. Will make them less likely to pop after you let some out."
Naturally we had to do as she said, and just as naturally that caused a few overinflations. In fact, all of us had at least one explode in our faces from following those instructions. But since softened balloons might be better in the long run, no one protested. Besides, it was fun watching Kriss fall victim to her own stupid idea twice. Pretty impressive considering she only had to fill three balloons.
Then we stuck them firmly to the back wall and once more did the helium imitation trick. The strings were stretched so tautly towards the floor it really did give the impression of the loons straining to break free.
Setting up the studios had taken all morning and it felt really good to stop for lunch. Alex and Kim were starting to get giddy at the thought of getting to shoot together again and almost skipped away as they set off to get ready. Kriss, on the other hand, was all too happy to share a sweet makeout session with me as we waited. I found myself complimenting her on the setup between kisses and gushing a bit over how nice it all had turned out.
Kriss smiled. "I would have done it all by myself if I thought for a moment any of you wouldn't be up for it."
"And done it without even breaking a sweat, huh, 'Iron Lungs'?"
"Maybe a little one", Kriss admitted. "But you'd help wash it off, right?"
"With my tongue." Then I ran the same around her ear and blew into it.
She gasped and pulled me closer and I barely managed to stop myself from asking if she wanted to make love. It would be all the sweeter for waiting until the shooting was done.
It was just as well we didn't start on anything advanced, because our lifemates soon returned all dressed up in glitzy gala gowns and evening make-up, exaggerated a bit for the camera. Their black dresses sparkled with silvery sequins and wouldn't have looked out of place at the actual Oscars. It was after all their best going-out ones and they looked absolutely amazing in them. Lexi's new blonde wig fit so perfectly with her outfit she couldn't have many regrets about buying it. And Kriss, who got her first real look at it, fairly swooned at the sight.
"Gods, Sweet Cheeks, you take my breath away!"
"Sorry", Alex grinned. "Here, have it back."
It was just an excuse to kiss her, of course, but on general principle she did blow some air into Krissie's mouth while she was at it.
Kim, for her part, had collected her hair in an elegant and voluminous updo. A couple of thick, loosely curled strands hung down on each side and sparkling earrings dangled behind them while a matching necklace gleamed on her chest. Lex was of course similarly equipped in the jewelry department. It would hopefully have the same effect on the viewers as on my wife. Can't say I was unaffected either, but I had expected nothing less.
"So", I asked, "are you ready for your closeup?"
They were, and soon both sat in the spotlight usually reserved for Kim. Lexi was properly introduced as Alexis 'Sweet Cheeks' Riley and her career as a musician got a mention as well. After a brief and probably superfluous mention of what the awards were about and how long they'd been around, they began to discuss the year's nominees and make guesses. That kind of content worked much better with more than one person in the studio and their chemistry made it run along nice and smooth. Considering the overall tone of the show they had an uncommonly serious talk about the predictions - all smiles, of course, but rather less humor than usual.
Eventually Kim faced the camera. "Join us tomorrow for the revelations! And make sure to like and subscribe to hear about a very special award."
They both blew the viewers a confetti-filled kiss, the sparkling particles star-shaped to fit the occasion, but stayed on to film the promised extra content right away as a secret continuation of the episode. Kim brushed some errant mini-stars out of sight before starting on the next bit.
"Do you think the jury make up their minds ahead of time or do they hesitate until the last moment?"
Lexi looked skywards, then shrugged. "Guess that depends on the person. I'm more interested if any of them are bought."
Kim seemed to agree. "Must be many things to take into account. Just for fun, I thought we'd give the viewers a chance to vote themselves."
"Oh? How do we go about that?"
"Simple!" Kim's hand went out of sight and returned holding a pair of those 16-inchers we'd passed on for decoration purposes. They'd be just right for this, though.
She handed one to Lexi and went on. "We blow these up and let them guess which one will pop first."
Lex looked the balloon over, stretching it this way and that. "Just from us blowing into them?"
Kimber looked at her with slight disbelief. "Of course - anything else would be cheating."
Alex nodded approvingly. "Yeah, I'd say that's simple enough."
"Great!" Kim exclaimed, stretching her own balloon. "So are you ready?"
Her opponent gave a combative grin. "Ready and willing."
"I'll count us in. On your mark, get set, blow!"
With that they both begun to puff furiously into the silvery latex, inflating it with remarkable speed and force. The printed stars spread apart and grew bigger as the balloons expanded and each lady understood all too well how to make it even more exciting for the viewers - by tilting her balloon slightly downwards so she could stare directly at the audience in a silent challenge to look away, which no one in their right mind would do, and also imploring them to vote just for her.
I wondered how many votes either would get and whether they'd match the actual outcome. I kept filming until a loud detonation signaled the end of the match and let the camera roll for a bit to let the loser do what she wanted, but when editing I would cut it off just before the critical moment to preserve the uncertainty and make sure people turned in for the next ep as well.
Me and Kriss gave them a big hand as they rose and flattered them shamelessly for acing the new format. We reviewed the material right away and found it broadcast-worthy, and all that was left was for me and Kriss to slip on some dresses too and prepare the final props. We hadn't done it ahead of time to give our stars a chance to rest and review the script some more, since they wouldn't have cue cards within reach this time. Or some of it at least.
And it was at this point Lexi became difficult.
"Uh-uhn. No way I'm presenting the awards unless I can do it in a tux."
I know her well enough to realize this was her way at getting back at me for not letting her dress up for Valentine's, and told her so.
"It'd be a shame but Kim can do it alone as we planned at first."
The blonde star shook her head. "I'm with her. You said I could wear one whenever I found a suitable occasion, and I can't think of many more suited for a suit."
Don't think the thought hadn't crossed my mind, because it was a pretty damn obvious opportunity. And it wasn't me not liking the idea - I certainly did - I just wanted to keep the public displays to a minimum. Maybe for fear of being called out, or being accused of doing the whole thing for my own purposes, or whatever. Though no matter the reason, I sure wasn't gonna protest too much.
"Not a bad idea", Kriss said. "But that pretty much means me and Chel should match the look."
There was literally nothing saying that but her, though there wasn't anything contradicting it either.
"We're overdue a black tie dinner anyway", she went on. "Let's wrap this up and go somewhere fancy in our work clothes."
That earned her a giggle and we all set off to get changed. I did check a few details to make sure we wouldn't be mistaken for presenters - as Lex does pretty much every public appearance in a skirt this would be no exception, so me and Kriss could go with pants. Fine by me. Also, they'd be wearing wingtip shirts which we would counter with turndown collars.
Having that in mind my wife and I went to put on different evening wear than I had imagined. But disappointing might be the wrong way to phrase it.
Looking appropriately formal Kriss located the stuffing machine she'd bought out of sheer curiosity and brought it to a neutral-looking corner of the dining room. Her elegant appearance was somewhat marred by the baseball cap she'd put on to maintain the illusion we were the same stagehands as before, and for the same reason I kept the ponytail. I carried the camera in and Kriss set up the contraption, taking the opportunity to explain how it worked while keeping in character, acting as if a roving reporter team had walked by while making a backstage documentary.
In lieu of envelopes, we used white balloons to contain the cards I'd prepared - along with a small handful of glitter. Naturally a funnel wouldn't be enough for that but thanks to the otherwise seldom used technology we could easily put them in. Although we did deflate them at once to blow them back up by mouth, because when you have a gimmick you'd better stick to it. But it wasn't without risks, as I found out when a balloon burst just as I was about to finish reinflating it. One of the corners of the card had probably damaged the latex when it shrunk down around it.
Kriss had the worst time keeping a straight face - let alone a stern one - as she helped brush the sparkling dust off my lapels. I'm enough of an old hand in the business to have avoided buying the finest kind though - that crap takes forever to clean up.
Anyway, in the end we had six card-and-air-filled balloons and I very carefully brought them to the studio while Kriss fetched the presenters.
I will say this - I had absolutely no doubts Lex made the right call. They'd gone straight past looking smart and hit striking, keeping the elegance from the first shoot and only swapping out the gowns. The high waistbands of the knee-length black shirts shone like satin cummerbunds below the open but well-fitting coats. A row of golden buttons marked the middle of their white shirtfronts and their immaculate bow ties finished the impression of having dressed to impress. Even the jacket sleeves were just the right length to show off the bright cuffs below.
"I'm glad you didn't pull this on me the other week", I told Lex. "Because then we'd probably never have left the house."
"That's too bad", she grinned, "because I believe Krissie's taking us out after this."
Kim adjusted her tie coyly. "And me, boss?"
"Don't even get me started." Telling her what I was thinking would only stoke her ego.
I set the camera up in the right direction and the presenters walked on from each side to meet in the middle, making zero allusions to their new getups and acting as the look was only to be expected.
Kim announced they were there to present the winners - but as there was no telling what the committee would actually pick, they would instead hand out prizes for the year's worst...in entirely new categories. (Like 'least convincing effects' or 'most cringeworthy line' and so on. It had taken some time to decide as I had to check through different forums for things being ridiculed. Because of that I'd opted out of listing more than one nominee.)
Whenever they reached a point where an award was to be given, I walked in and handed them one of the balloons in what I hoped would appear to be a dignified manner. Kim and Lex took turns popping them in a burst of glitter, catching the hidden card and reading it out aloud. Needless to say, the silliness clashed with both the act and the setting in a way I found pretty damn amusing.
They made some comments on the motivations I'd jotted down, improvising whenever an opportunity arose. At the end they thanked the viewers for watching, reminded them there was an extra award in the subscriber’s section and to check there to find out who had won. We went on to film the presentation of that right away.
"Welcome back!" Kim said. "It's time to reveal the winner of yesterday's bout. Did you place a vote? Or are you holding out on your verdict?"
"Last chance to guess", Lexi announced, "because the result is about to come in."
That was my cue to walk on with a regular envelope. I handed it to Kim and she slowly opened the flap as I retreated.
She drew a deep breath and went on in acted anticipation. "And the winner is..."
"Oh, cut it out", Alex said. "We both know what happened."
"Yes, but tradition is tradition."
"Let's show them instead."
Here I would cut back to the final stretch of the contest for a visual reveal. They had both blown impressive necks on their balloons and it was a matter of mere moments before either of them would go bang. But instead there was a whoosh and a whoops as Lexi's loon escaped and sputtered away while Kim triumphantly blew in another insufficient breath - followed by one that made her starry globe vanish with a resounding boom. Cue a return to the current episode.
"Oh yes, you dropped out of the race", Kim smiled.
"The balloon dropped out. Check what the jury has to say."
Her colleague looked inside the envelope and the smug expression turned into puzzlement. She withdrew not a card but a fresh pair of twins to the balloons they'd used for the contest.
"A win on walkover isn't a real win", Lex stated. "So I thought a rematch would be in order. That is, if you dare."
"Of course I do", Kim said. I would have said 'huffed' if she hadn't kept the brilliant, audience-friendly smile. "Choose your weapon."
Lexi picked one of the offered rubber pouches at random and stretched it in a business-like manner. Kim did the same and beckoned me over to count them in. Standing off to the side, I gave them the same start as previously.
"On you marks... Get set... Blow!"
Most of their pretenses at dignity went away as they set about the task, each thinking of nothing but inflating their balloon past the bursting point before the other one could. Huge exhales rapidly stretched the latex into silvery spheres and it looked like an even match until Lexi's loon popped halfway full.
"No fair!" Kim cried. "Cut!"
Alex actually agreed. "That was an accident. Can't count that."
I nodded. I didn't have any problems with having to count them in again - if they wanted to redo the subscriber bit from the start it was all on their heads.
I sent Kriss for new balloons and watched the contestants refresh their makeup. Then they redid the take and it went exactly as before until the balloon part. They were still blowing just as hard as before, puffing out their cheeks as immensely while forcing copious amounts of air into the bulging latex over and over again. But this time both loons held out until they'd reached their absolute limits, with long, gleaming necks that were almost intimidating in their tightness, until Alexis' balloon exploded with an incredible bang and an immense shower of glimmering, sparkling stars.
So the result turned out the same as well. Kim pinched off her ready-to-burst glitter bomb and gingerly held it to the side.
"There you have it! 'Sweet Cheeks' Riley is the winner!" She glanced at her lover who was striking a proud and happy pose that could best be described as just a tad superior-looking. "But what do you expect from a professional trumpet player?"
Kimber turned back to her audience. "That's all we had for you today! See you next time - and be sure to lemme know if you wanna see more of her." She hiked a thumb at Lex.
"This is Kimber, going off the air - for now!"
Then she drew an absolutely humongous breath and holding the balloon with both hands blew all of it into the swollen latex. The exhale went on for so long Kim seemed at risk of running out of air before the balloon would give up and she bent forward to add some extra force, gazing straight at the camera all the way.
The pop came so suddenly that Kim kept blowing between her now-empty fingers for about half a second without registering she no longer had to. But before the tiny stars and glitter dust had fully settled on the floor she'd straightened her back and tossed away what little remained of the rubber with a huge, open-mouthed smile that was so alluring I was a bit disappointed Lexi had dibs on kissing her after the filming stopped. Instead I turned to Kriss.
"I see you made a last-minute addition."
"Executive decision. Felt the accident lacked something compared to the prize balloons."
"Go ahead and say it. 'It just didn't pop', right?"
She laughed. "Oh, that it did!"
"Granted, the glitter would have made them match. But the confetti?"
"A little extra for the grand finale. A star-studded end to a star-studded evening!"
I sighed. "It's not evening. And the afternoon hasn't exactly been star-studded. In fact, the only thing that was were the balloons - after you got to them."
Then I gave in and took her in my arms. "It looked great, Kissie. Absolutely wonderful. It was a fantastic way to finish. But I still wish you'd let me know these things ahead of time."
"Then you just would've worried they'd pop from the pointy bits."
She was right, of course. And since they hadn't it was probably better that way... this time. I could easily remember half a dozen occasions where it would have been better to tell me first.
Kriss kissed my cheek. "If it makes you feel better I blew up a trial one to check. Even saved the evidence. Look."
She pulled a shapeless, deflated thing from her pocket and put it into my hand. I could vaguely feel the contents through the sturdy rubber, and they weren't precisely shuriken. I began inflating it and realized there was no way the girls hadn't noticed the contents, even if there'd been no outward signs of that. Guess they too knew Kriss well enough to know what to expect.
Taking a cue from their recreated camshow I pretended to be unable to go on, and my wife was all too happy to take over for a bit. And when I got the loon back for seconds I hammed the scared-of-popping act up as much as I could, which Kriss tried to top on her next turn. As I probably wouldn't be able to outdo that it was maybe just as well the balloon broke from her breath, resulting in a shrill, girlish scream complete with trembling hands in front of her face. It was so out of character Lex and Kim came running to see what's wrong, which of course made it even funnier. It also brought them into reach for some congratulatory kisses before we removed the balloons, naturally filmed for the members.
That was a very quick and workman-like affair, each of us holding a pin and methodically jabbing every shiny globe in turn until nothing was left but lots of rubber knots and shards all over the floor. Watching the setting up and taking down videos in turn would probably give the impression of us preparing and participating in a very formal balloon popping party.
The presenters got to burst the silvery dozen behind the desk by themselves while Kriss finally discarded her cap and I let my ponytail out. Both of us would need some work on our hair before we could go out.
In fact, we all had to adjust our looks a bit - Kim and Lexi toning theirs down and me and Kriss spiffing them up. But soon we were more than presentable and a limo took us to the restaurant my wife's sort-of-fame had produced reservations at. While our outfits might have stood out a bit, the staff and clientele were far too well-heeled to raise even an eyebrow at the sight. Besides, there were several gentlemen dressed just like us.
We talked and laughed while we ate and after three delicious courses I felt about as good as I ever had outside of the bedroom. All in all it had turned out to be an enjoyable day.
When we got home I finally got the chance to whisper the question I'd put off earlier and as a reply got just the suggestive smile I'd been hoping for.
So when Kim asked "Well - what now?" Kriss had the answer all ready.
"Don't know about you, but we're off to make love."
"Whatta coincidence", Lex said. "Feel free to join us when you're done."
And we did, but only to share goodnight kisses and sleep next to them. There are some limits to the debauchery in this house.
Comment