ON THE AIR with Kimber - a Blowgirls serial

[ChillinHaze]

If every anniversary is done like this the amounts of balloons they'll have in storage will rival an actual shop xD

Twelve thousand! That's an airhead moment I would say ;P

[Harley]

Episode 27

It felt good staying ahead production-wise. With a few finished episodes still to post I was in no rush to write the particular piece I'd promised and could actually read up on it a bit while working on Dodo. While he wasn't a dragon he certainly was a fantastic beast, if you read it as 'unreal'. Or at the very least surreal - an inflatable of that size had no business in anyone's back yard.
Speaking of the yard, the days were getting hot and dry and Kriss had put the sprinkler on the lawn, which was an accident waiting to happen if you ask me. I felt safe and secure in the tiny tent but any crossing to the house was fraught with danger - someone yanking on the hose could easily score a few hits without even exposing themselves.
A sing-song voice called out. "Oh, Chellie?"
There was a distinct beckoning to it and I suspected a trap. If not the sprinkler maybe some water balloons or even a bucket. Or, god forbid, there'd been a special on super soakers at the store. That was probably the only water weapon I hadn't been hit with yet.
Holding my laptop as a shield I went to see what Kriss wanted. It turned out to be only tangentially water-related - her new inflatables had arrived. The box was rather massive since she'd bought these retail and hence they all had separate packages.
There were a few ride-ons but not huge ones plus some kind of five-foot unicorn, a clown bop bag, a 'sea serpent', a hot tub, a...
Hot tub?
"Krissie, don't we already have one of these?"
"Yeah, but not portable or 'flatable! I hear lots of camgirls use them."
"Yes, camgirls. Which Kimmy isn't. Not anymore at least."
"It was my idea", Kim said. Would be pretty nice to be on the air on the water. That's what the riders are for!"
I shrugged. It could have been so much worse. "Well, in that case. Thought you wanted a dragon for the fantasy stuff though?"
Lex lit up. "It's not for that - it's a unicorn sprinkler!" She almost squee’d.
So the watering had been more preparation for this than care for the grass. Figures.
"We should a make a vid about setting it up!" Kim exclaimed.
Lexi clapped her hands. I hadn't seen her this excited about toys in a while. "Let's! Now?"
"Up to you", I said. "You need to calibrate the camera anyway because I still don't get the settings."
While I know how to start and stop and how to edit finished material, things like white balance and focal depth still eludes me. Kim had both gotten a nice camera and learnt about those so there would be nothing to complain about with her shared pictures. I'd mistaken that for an interest in the craft, but the knowledge had sure come in handy. And it was a good opportunity for them to try making an episode because soon they'd be left to their own devices for a few days.
So while Lexi and Kim grabbed the garden ornament and set off, I got to speak to Kriss a bit more about the purchases.
"Kim chose some show-worthy ones and asked real nicely for the pool." She smiled. "Not that she wouldn't have gotten it just by pointing. You can guess which one Lex picked out."
"Didn't you get any for yourself?"
"Oh yes, this", she said and flipped open the valve of the bop bag. "Thought it'd be hilarious to punch."
She began puffing it up nonchalantly while I sorted through the rest. They were definitely hot-tub sized, with one glaring exception.
Kriss finished blowing the clown and put it down, giving it some playful jabs.
"And the snake's mine too. Come on! Wanna try something."
She brought the big serpent to the pool house, unrolled it, and holding on to the tail with the mouthpiece she threw the rest in and made a disappointed face. If she'd hoped for it to sink she would have to wait. The PVC did go slightly below the surface, undulating gently in the blueish water, but looked more likely to attract an ocean cleanup crew than cryptozoologists.
"Damn. Thought I could make it rise up."
"These aren't exactly murky depths - what did you expect?"
"Something more. But it's not even the right shape."
Whatever shape was right would have to wait as Kriss got busy blowing up the one we had. It had length but not much volume so it didn't take long.
It was prettily printed like a coral snake in red, black and yellow and the head had a sorta menacing look, but apart from that it wasn't much to write home about.
"It would have been much better looking like Nessie." Her finger described a sine wave. "You know, going up and down, and then you could ride the lower parts."
"Wouldn't it just tip over?"
"I was thinking some kind of keel. And maybe feet in the front and back, like those things on sea planes?"
"Pontoons."
"That's them. Would've been great, but there isn't anything like that. I've looked."
So had I when I researched the history of pool toys. Maybe not so much at pics as facts.
"Kriss, have you even heard about negative curves?"
"Sounds like bookkeeping."
"Sometimes" I agreed. "But you know swim rings work because there's just one big single curve, right? Making it bend back and forth plays merry hell with physics when pressure's involved."
"Well, it shouldn't. Maybe I could have one custom made? Saw some fun examples."
"No factory's gonna take that order without payment in advance and a signed waiver." Then the combination of 'custom inflatables' and 'fun' struck me. "Wait, what sites have you been on?"
"Oh, a few. I'll show you. Don't tell me that's a leak!"
She rapidly walked as close as she could get to where the snake's head was attached and peered at the seam. And heaved a sigh.
I went up next to her to check. "Where?"
Rookie mistake. A moment later I was toppled over the floating reptile, grabbing on to it as the rest of me splashed down.
"Oh no! It got her!" Kriss cried in a horror-movie voice.
Why I didn't just let go and get out of the pool I'll never know - must have been some sort of instinct to try climbing on. All I accomplished was rolling the snake over and falling in on the other side. Without letting go.
"Up and at it, Chellie!" Kriss cheered. "You've got this!"
What would happen when I got my hands on her was anybody's guess. I gave up trying to wrestle the damn thing and headed for the edge.
"Kriss. What would you say if I told you my phone's in my pocket?"
She hesitated. "Hope you're not waiting for any calls?"
"Just help me out."
The moment my hand was grabbed I pulled her in and she must have known it. We had a bit of a tussle but the kisses made clear there were no hard feelings on either side.
"Well played"' I said. "I was expecting to be hit with water but not the other way around."
Kriss smiled. "Let's go buy a new phone."
"It's okay..." I reassured her. "It's in the house."
"But mine isn't."

Saying sorry took a while and when we emerged wearing nothing but towels we found the others in bikinis, laughing and giggling as they played catch around a conspicuously horse-shaped object. It was indeed about five feet tall, counting from the ground to the tip of the horn showering anyone stupid enough to pass too close with water. It was magnificently stupid and I would have loved the hell out of it when I was eight. Not that there wasn't a part of me that still was.
"Oh hey", Alex called. "We're just done! Whaddya think?"
"Fab!" Kriss said. "So much better than the old one."
She walked up and tilted its head in my direction, but I kept my distance. Even though I was still kinda wet.
"Did you film it?"
"Course", Kim said. "Wanna see?"
"Sure. Now? We have to go in and change anyway."
"What did you do?" Lex wondered.
"Wrestle a water snake."

We were shown the unedited material and even though they'd chosen the side of the garden not occupied by Dodo it was weird seeing Kimber do an outdoors introduction. But that soon passed as she and Lex began to speak about childhood water games.
"We had a sprinkler almost like this one", Kim said, indicating the previous model. "But the water was always too cold and when you ran through it you could trip or step on it. My brother once did and bent it out of whack. Mom wasn't too happy but pops could set it right."
"We didn't even have a lawn", city-raised Lex said. "But there was a park nearby with much bigger ones. And lots of kids on hot days. I remember those could shoot a beachball quite a ways."
"No authorities around?"
"Mr. Henson turned a blind eye as long as we didn't run amuck too much. Best park guard I've met. We used to bribe him with candy and he used to pretend it worked."
They talked a bit about the benefits of beachballs, especially when you got older.
"Great way to get guys to show off, throwing themselves around to stop shots. And usually topless too. Because if you think only men go to the beach to look at nice things you're wrong."
"Amen", Alex said. "We do too, you know."
"How would you do it?" Kim asked.
"Well, first you pack a beachball. Or two. Not too big ones, they block the view. Then just pick a good moment to blow it up. Make sure it has bright colors for attention. If you're with friends, just throw it around and 'accidentally' miss when it's going the right direction. And ask to have it kicked back. Now they're in the game even if they don't know it."
Kim nodded along. "And if you're alone?"
"Do some stretchercises until you're sure the right people see you, then drop the ball. It's like the ancient handkerchief trick."
I snorted at the thought of some turn-of-the-century lady having to inflate her conversation piece. Would probably either have intimidated every man around into ignorance or gotten her engaged within the afternoon.
"Any advice for the guys?"
"Wait for the hanky and don't be pushy. Oh, you mean to start off? The game invite works the other way around too. Maybe not dropping the ball, though."
"Yeah, bring some friends for that. Might mean competition but I'm afraid men making moves on their own at the beach can come off as creepy. Reading a book is great though, if someone asks you about it you prolly have something in common. And if you're there for bathing or tanning no one's gonna be bothered at all! I don't wanna offend anyone, just saying why some things seldom work."
"Guys, we love you", Lex said. "It just feels safer with some kind of chaperone."
Might have sounded better from someone not six feet and muscle-bound, but the point was still sound.
"Speaking of safe", Kim said, "once more - never depend on inflatables to keep you afloat. They will - but only until they pop or spring a leak."
Lexi waited a beat, then took over. "And speaking of inflatables, is it time to show them what we have?"
"Definitely."
Kim pulled a whitish vinyl heap into sight and addressed the camera. "We're going to blow this up - let's see how long it takes you to guess what it is!"
In the now, she turned to me and Kriss. "Let's see how long it takes you to see what we forgot to bring."
Six seconds. That's the time that passed before she'd wrapped her lips directly around the valve.
"The adapter", Kriss said, quite unnecessarily.
Kim nodded. "Luckily it was one of those bigger ones. Wouldn't have fit anyway."
We watched on. Lexi observed the inflation with polite interest until it was her turn to take over, then blew with some eagerness. Her taut cheeks shone in the sunlight and I found myself enjoying the noise of her big breaths going in. There was something promising about it, the promise that we'd soon find out what was being blown up.
She passed the nozzle back to Kim. "Think it can be seen yet?"
"Don't think so. Let's see if I can fix that."
She began puffing in earnest and a leg started to unfold. Soon it was obvious it was an animal of some kind and the hint of rainbow mane should have made which abundantly clear. But there was still some way to go.
"Your turn. Blow faster or they might lose interest!"
Fat chance of that.
But Lex complied and the puffy mass swelled out even more. A face came into view and now the horn could be seen.
"I think it's a unicorn", Kriss said to no one in particular.
I told her it's cheating when you already know and she said she just wanted to play the part of a regular viewer. "I figure that's when they'll know."
Rocket science. But I checked my watch to see how long it would go on after the surprise was gone.
Not exceedingly. Soon the body was all but done and the extremities began to fill up. Kim took over and Alex helped standing it upright. Or as much as could be done considering they were blowing into the equivalent of a thigh - Kim sitting down lowered that end a little.
She capped the valve. "Wanna do the honors?"
"Sure" Lex said and crouched to add the last air required. By now the shape was well defined and she only had to blow it to full firmess. That didn't take her long at all and when she was done they rose to admire the serenely smiling creature.
"Wow, it's pretty big", Kim said.
"Uh-huh", Lex agreed. "Hook it up?"
Kim disconnected the sprinkler and folded the hose sharply. Only a few drops got past that bend and Lex grabbed the end to snap it into the socket on a front hoof. Kim released the pressure and after a few moments it had worked its way through and began spraying water through the tip of the horn. It actually looked pretty nice.
"Wee! It works!" Lex squealed. Yes, she does at times.
"Yaay!"
They walked around the horse, patting its flank and testing how far the droplets went in all directions. Satisfied, Kim turned to her partner.
"What shall we call him?"
Lex looked thoughtful. "Dunno. 'Swifty', like in She-Ra?"
"No, he has wings. Oh! Did you know winged unicorns are called alicorns? I looked it up."
"Really? I would have thought pegacorns."
Kim shrugged. "Anyway, this isn't one and it's not in a hurry."
Some stray droplets hit Lex along with a flash of inspiration. "Squirty!" she exclaimed.
Kim laughed. "Perfect! Squirty it is!"
I maybe wouldn't have called it that, but Squirty himself was just about perfect for the job and really cute where he stood, thick and swollen with my mates' shared breaths. I wondered if they'd managed to blow other things to those descriptions along the way.
"I hereby declare summer to be open", Kim said, followed by the standard closing about liking and subscribing before they blew the viewers a kiss each and walked towards the camera to shut it off.
"Nice", I said. "More like this and I won't be needed at all."
Kim kissed my cheek. "You know I can't do the rest."
"Planned anything for your loyal subscribers?" Kriss asked.
"Yeah, still have to blow up the tub, right?"
I shot that down. "Whoa. That's membership stuff and you know it. Fact is you're selling yourself short, Kimmy."
I explained it might be high time to separate the members sections. The amount of extra stuff for the low, low price of joining the Crystal Mackenzie fanclub was getting ridiculous.
"Besides, people with no interest in music are joining and that's counterproductive."
"They might pick one up", Kriss said.
"Maybe, but she's worth her own admission. More than worth. So I'm thinking separate prices - sorry, love, but I'm gonna charge more for the wankworthy stuff - and a bit off for buying both."
I turned to Kim. "If people think twenty bucks per month's too much they don't deserve to watch."
"Quite a hike" she said, trying to hide the feels.
"Cheap at twice the price. Have you seen what people charge for amateur commentaries on TV shows?"
I had, and that was part of the decision.
"When we started we didn't know if there was an interest. Now that we do you should get proper compensation. I mean, one tub clip would go for as much in some places. Your archive is helluva good value. And you are absolutely priceless."
I'll skip the part where she cried and we comforted her because there's been enough of a mood whiplash already. I know you'll agree it was the right call.
Kim's first thought when back to form was "But what about the subscriber vid? Not giving up on that."
"I have an idea", I said. "Why not let Lexi do one for a change?"
One explanation later they were both aboard and we all went out for a practical demonstration. Lex placed a blanket on the ground along with typical beach stuff and lay down pretending to read. Then she threw a glance at Squirty, slowly sat up and reached for her bag. She withdrew a deflated ball of the recommended size and inflated it without a rush (except of air, of course), now and then looking towards the unicorn. She filled her ball to the limit, making it tight and bouncy, then closed the valve and rose. She raised it above her head, passed it around her waist, bent to both side extending it between her hands while occasionally shooting flirtatious glances in a certain direction. Then the ball slipped from her grip and rolled away to stop right next to the amicable sprinkler. Lex waited for a response, then waited some more, but no amount of inviting looks provoked one. Eventually she got fed up, strode over to fetch her toy and holding it under one arm turned to the camera.
"Typical. Some guys just can't take a hint."
"My turn now?" Kim asked once the recording had stopped.
I stroked her hair. "You can blow up your bath tomorrow. I think Krissie's got something to show us."

She had, and the sight of the enormous special orders had us awed and struck dumb.
"How long has that been an option?" Lex asked, all agape.
"Maybe ten, fifteen years?" Kriss guessed. "Older ones don't look as good though."
The recent products did, though. And more than a little suspect. A female lion flat on its back was beyond suggestive already in 'The Lion King' and if the missionaries of old had seen it they might have had to rethink their rhetoric. As a human-sized (or bigger, it was hard to tell) inflatable the implications were outright blatant.
Kim was no less impressed. "How much for one of those?"
"Depends", Kriss said. "Handful of hundreds. If you want your own design it's a bit more. Kind of a big bit more."
Of course they wouldn't be cheap. Designing pieces and prints, setting the machines, switching colors and assembling materials - I wasn't sure I wanted an exact quote. I suspected at least a couple of thousands. Prices on premades seemed reasonable though and the ones we had were intended for full production runs. Yes, I know we had already proved at least the wolf suitable for private use, but it wasn't made for it. These gave the impression of being just that. Especially the absolutely enormous black dragon lying on its back with two gigantic, out-of-place human breasts on full display. Did it surprise me? Yes. Shock? No. I wasn't even sure it was a real custom since I saw two versions with different color accents.
I had to read up a bit more and found the earliest demand had been for horses. Maybe Squirty had that to thank for his existence. Naturally those hadn't been intended as kid's garden toys, but everything has to start somewhere. Most remarkably, it seemed like a whole lot weren't intended for sex. That seemed both wholesome and weird at once for some reason. Not judging, though. Just wondering what to do with something like that. Then again, there had once been a fad for life-size china dogs.
Kim, being Kim, naturally had to pose the one burning question.
"If you had to choose one of those to blow up and boink, which one would it be?"
Lexi didn't even hesitate. "A unicorn."
I smiled. "Should I go tell Squirty to hide?"
"Nah, I mean a great big alicorn with the legs straight out like in flight. Wings up so I could sit between'em. I think I'd actually like that. And you?" she shot back.
"I could go for a ride on Simba", Kim leered. "But I'd want him to have a mane."
Well, the lions had seemed supremely boinkable. And we all knew she has a thing for cats so it didn't come as a surprise. I turned to Kriss.
"Did you find a favorite while browsing?"
"Anything you'd blow up, Chel. Fucking loved humping the wolf while you did."
"You humped Moon Moon?" Kim asked.
"Yep - didn't even ask his name."
I was happy I hadn’t either. "Glad you liked it but that wasn't the question - what you'd choose if you had to blow up and boink it."
"Oh. This one, then."
She brought up a pic of an incredibly stupid-looking sea monster, a friendly dinosaur-thingy that appeared the absolute epitome of a pool toy in both shape and size.
My wife went on. "Can't you just picture taking it to the beach and fill it all the way - by mouth, of course - and then take it for a spin? Bet the waves would push it up real nice. And no one watching would know what you were doing."
"Okay", I said, "your fans can never, ever hear you say that. And I'm not sure you know how you look while getting off. Wouldn't call your face subtle."
"I can if have to."
"Yeah, I know that. But you're more likely to get lost in pleasure than lost at sea, is what I'm saying. Nice choice, though. I approve."
"And what's yours?"
I didn't even have to think. The words came without waiting for moderation.
"The titty dragon."
"Cherry!" Alex said, sounding mighty impressed.
Kim was no less amazed. "Wow! Didn't expect that."
Me neither but the choice was frankly obvious. The material looked so soft and pliant, yet sturdy enough for whatever you could think up, and the tail bending up over the body seemed...secure in some way. Like it would both protect and cradle you while offering excellent straddling. And best of all the silent reassurance of the demure expression, as if telling you 'it's all right, I was made for this'. I really liked its smile, but I wasn't about to tell them that. They got a shorter version.
"And that black and yellow went well together", I finished.
Kriss hadn't said anything but the sheer wonder on her face and the sparkling in her eyes made me realize I suddenly had one more reason to dread my next birthday.
Kim offered a supportive suggestion. "You can practice on Blowser!"
"Blowser?"
"Our dragon. Because, you know, she's nothing until someone blows 'er up!"
"Yeah, sure, but I feel like I'm missing something. Pun-wise."
"But you know, Bowser?"
I didn't.
"In Mario? The big dragon thing."
The penny dropped. "Bau-ser?"
"I thought it was Bow-ser", Kim stated. "You know, bowling, Bowie, bow tie... And that he's a bit of a bozo."
"Bower, bow down, bow-wow", I countered. "But he's more of a turtle thing than a dragon thing."
"He breathes fire!"
"Oh, King Koopa?" Kriss said, having even less video game savvy than me.
"A spiky turtle", Lex added. "He'd probably pop himself. Your expanation's enough, Blondie - Blowser's fine."
"She sure is." Kim looked around. "So who blows'er up?"
And then they all looked at me. Meaning old Cherry once more had to huff and puff her little lungs out bringing shape and volume to a toy meant to be shared. They helped with the wings spread along the ground, but that was just a couple of breaths each for Lexi and Kriss. I took some satisfaction knowing this meant the inflatable would be stuck inside the door and that Kim would have to let her down before use. The vinyl wasn't black but green though the huge eyes with the long lashes gave the impression Blowser was indeed meant to be a girl dragon too. But boobs would really have looked out of place on her.
Amazingly I wasn't winded when I was done. Guess the days spent with Dodo were starting to pay off. I really should be blowing him up some more but there was plenty of time - for the moment we had better things to do. Like checking if dragons are better than wolves.
They are, if you add some electric toys.

[Harley]

Episode 28

The very next day Kim couldn't wait to get her new shooting location in order and dressed in the best home improvement gear she could find - cargo shorts, polo shirt and a straw sun hat over hair tied back in a practical pony tail.
She explained what she was about to do and then unboxed the hot tub package. There were a few more parts than I'd expected but Kim consulted the instructions and listed them off. She lay the floor mat down on the lawn and dragged the main body of the bath onto it. Then she patted the rather large electrical contraption still sitting where she'd put it.
"This is what makes the hot tub hot and puts the bubbles in. Some call it the blower, but let's face it, that's me. It'll of course also inflate the whole thing but I think a personal touch is nice - don't you?"
So Kim took the ribbed hose, screwed it into the valve in the vinyl and instead of connecting it to the air machine lifted it to her lips.
"Here goes!" she said and inhaled.
I stayed long enough to watch her get started. Incredibly it seemed to work, but it would be a while before she'd be finished. Some would call that absolute idiocy, but I was in no place to do so since I was about to go work on blowing up a thirty-foot fairground dinosaur.
In sympathy with Kimber I kept at it until she came over to report the deed was done. My lips were aching by then but Dodo had received a massive dose of my breath and might even have grown a bit. Was hard to tell, but the soft mound was definitely rising off the ground by now. Even the long neck was taking in quite a bit of air and the wrinkled smile splayed against the ground made me feel sorry for him. I resolved to keep blowing as much as I ever could that day to hopefully straighten it out a bit. But within reason and with breaks, of course.
First I had to inspect the tub, though. Those aren't really that large and compared to Dodo seemed downright puny. It was round with ribbed walls and the claims of seating four sounded pretty optimistic. She'd inflated the cover and optional headrests as well and the video showed her climbing inside to attach the filters and underwater light before connecting the heating apparatus. By now it was slowly filling up with water, depriving Squirty of his hose for the moment.
"You realize it will be cold at first, right?"
"Yeah, sure - but if we start now it might be ok by tonight."
That turned out to be even more optimistic but it was decently lukewarm and we all shared an evening soak on principle. With a margarita each, because I hear that's traditional. And it wasn't that crowded.
"So what do you plan on doing with it first?" Kriss asked.
Kim snuggled closer to Lex. "Have sex in it, of course!"
I took another sip. "Apart from the obvious."
"Could you write something about bathing through the ages? Or just the history of these?"
"I could try."
"Great!" Kim said. "Will be perfect for the ducky."
Yes, one of the rideables Kriss had bought her was a giant yellow rubber duck. Correction - somewhat larger duck. It didn't hold even a birthday candle to the ship-sized monstrosity that toured the world some years ago. Kriss says that when she saw the vid of it bursting in Keelung harbor even she pitied the poor fucker who would have to blow it back up.
So what Kim eventually straddled for the show wasn't really that big. She talked about how ancient people had communal baths and primitive showers first seen in Greek gymnasiums before mentioning that bath houses were the most important buildings in any Roman city. Also how the practice fell out of favor after the fall of that empire and was replaced by the opposite in medieval times - people thought a layer of dirt protected them against disease. It wasn't until the discovery of germs in the 1800's that hygiene once more became something worth bothering with.
"Of course, this mostly applied to western civilizations. People in other parts of the world couldn't stand the smell of the early European explorers – the Aztecs didn’t follow them with incense burners to honor them… and the Japanese compared them with rancid butter."
Kim frowned. "Phew! Luckily we know better now, and here in the states the Civil War was a turning point - after that people wanted to build a better society and a bath a week was seen as progressive."
I could imagine her thoughts on that - less than a wash a day makes her miserable.
"We still stank up until the thirties, when soap ads finally managed to begin convincing people body odor was undesirable. Nowadays we even have these” – she patted the wall of the tub – “for home use. They used to be a very public thing and the first ones were waterfilled calderas with heated rocks. In the 700’s Japan’s first onsen – an inn built near a hot spring for bathing – opened, followed much later by ryokan – inns that usually featured communal soaking tubs, or a small one for each guest. They’re called ofuro and our versions are based on them.”
To some extent at least, but I’d found no contradictions.
“In Europe castle owners often had large tubs for private use, even in the so-called ‘dung ages’ – and mineral springs with supposed healing properties had been known for centuries before that. ‘Spa’ is the name of a city in Belgium with a famous one that became popular during the renaissance. Baths as a medical treatment is called hydrotherapy and the modern hot tub was designed for that. But when you buy a tub for your house it’s usually for a nice place to relax, right? They’re great for that too!”

Kimber rounded off the show and that was it for the hot tub's debut. Members got to watch the whole setup while subscribers had to settle for her blowing up the float. It was still a nice clip.
While Kim saw reason about the price increase she didn't want to announce it, so I bit the bullet and wrote the piece myself. I even recorded a video explaining the justification and noted that any membership begun or renewed before the end of May would get a full month at the old rate. Never been a fan of sudden changes of terms, but there had to be one. Also, as a concession to Kriss (and extended apology for the phone incident) I decided we could make a DVD like the one she'd suggested. Might make a nice souvenir for diehard fans and an excuse to mail out a few of the myriad balloons she'd saddled us with. Besides, everyone buying it would get a digital download as well in case they didn't have a way to play discs.
And since we did sell loons and shirts right off the bat - granted, not huge amounts - I agreed we could stock some more merch just for fun. Logo pins and car window stickers came to mind. Kriss said we really needed mugshots too, since she and Lex got paid for signed photos on a regular basis.
"Kimmy, yes" I said. "But who'd buy one of me?"
"I would."
Yes, we'd sold quite a few pics of the girls back at the theater, but I'd stayed out of it. It seemed implausible, to say the least. But since we had a decent camera it wouldn't cost much to try. If nothing else Kriss could wallpaper her studio with the leftovers.
However, she insisted on us looking our best for the job. Cue Mrs. Hewitt. She'd been mildly amused by our latest project.
"Balloons sure are nice", she said, "but before you told me I'd no idea people liked them in that way."
"Oh, they do", I said. "Was after all a main feature in our shows back east too."
"Live and learn."
Guess there's still things to discover in your mid-sixties, but Lou seemed far younger - as befitting a professional stylist. If Kriss looked like that in thirty years... Hubba hubba.
"They come in shapes to remind you, ones we can't really show", Kim said.
"I've seen some. Looked pretty harmless."
"Not like these you haven't."
As she wasn't being worked on Kim went off to fetch examples. I knew which ones she'd go for - the four-footers Kriss and I had first found in a New York adult shop. But it turned out she didn't stop there - she brought one of the now-rare, vaguely heart shaped ones too. The round parts separated more though and blew up rounder, while the tips were thicker and didn't inflate as much. Skin-toned with darker points they were fair approximations of boobs and now Kim was bringing one towards her lips to blow up. With a mighty whoosh it expanded and grew into shape until she could present it with a big grin.
Lou laughed. "Well, I'll be."
That had pretty much been my first reaction too and I was glad Kimmy had managed to fill it so neatly. There'd been lots of accidental blow to pops when the Angels inflated the props for our naughtiest promo pic by far. It had been pretty titillating (pardon the pun) to watch them all blow those up in the nude. I'd undressed too for moral support, but handled less loons.
"Wait 'til you see this" Kim said and stretched out the other latex shape.
The first thing to expand with her breath were the balls, so to speak - the base of the long thing was an imitation scrotum and you can guess where it went from there. A thick shaft grew out of it from Kim's steady puffs and when she finished it had turned into a tightly inflated penis. There was nothing limp about it and the rubber boner looked about ready to explode from the pressure. The proportionally swollen head made the likeness impossible to miss.
"That's some balloon!" Louise exclaimed. Then she laughed even more. "Hubby's birthday's coming up - wonder what he'd say if I brought him one of those!"
Kim let the air back out. "Why don't you take a couple with you? They're not too hard to blow up - here, try!"
With maybe just a hint of hesitation our stylist took the offering and had a go. Since it had been pre-stretched she easily filled it up a third of the way before stopping to look.
"Can't believe I'm doing this!" she said and resumed blowing.
Believe it or not but she inflated it all the way and was so amused by the results she nearly let it drop against the table corner. That would have put an end to the fun so I stuck my hand in as a buffer.
"You're right, I have to try! Any risk of blowing them up too much?"
"Oh yes", said Lex, who'd only recently started to get the knack of shaped loons. "But why don't you see how much it can take? Then you'll know."
This time there was unmistakable hesitation but Lou soldiered on and blew in another breath. And another.
"This seems like too much", she said and a moment later the balloon proved her right by exploding in her hand.
"Yep, I'd say that's it", Kriss noted from the doorway. "Coffee?"
Lou wasn't put off though and stuffed the spare pair we brought down her bag.
"Just don't forget there's other things to blow on birthdays", Kim reminded her. "And not just candles."
"It's not my first one", she replied with a smile that showed she'd been around far longer than any of us.
That aside, we both got sorted and ready for shooting. Kriss took far more snaps than necessary and decided she'd be the one to choose which to use.
"Tell you what", Lex said. "You do yours and I do mine."
I have to confess she picked a nice one. She had made both me and Kim blow up a logo balloon each for the occasion - several, in fact, to try different colors - and hold them for the camera. Unlike the shirts the 'with Kimber' part was included and the result was indeed much like us advertising the program. I wore a loose white blouse with oversized, stylish buttons in lieu of accessories and the heavy fabric made it look almost like a complete outfit. Kriss had insisted a burgundy balloon would look best as it matched my trousers, but since those were out of frame that didn't matter. Still, it's one of my best colors so I was satisfied. My smile made me look almost handsome in the selected shot.
Kriss didn't agree. "There's no 'almost' about it - you're ravishing!"
She's biased, of course. But Kim certainly fit that bill in her off-white blazer over a cerise wrap top with matching lipstick and a somewhat darker silk kerchief in the same hue flowing out of her chest pocket. The gold earrings and necklace were a nice offset to the sky blue balloon bringing out her eyes. It would certainly do for the DVD cover as well.
Speaking of that we had a lot of fun selecting episodes and recording commentaries - taking the opportunity to set some inaccuracies right. The bloopers were particularly fun and I hoped the viewers would enjoy hearing more about the circumstances. We even picked a couple of preparation vids to go a bit deeper into what went on behind the scenes.

That actually ties neatly into what we filmed next. As me and Kriss were about to celebrate our third anniversary with a little trip to the Rockies, we'd naturally taken out our inflatable lovers to pack. Call it silly, but it's really nice to have them along in effigy for some playful hugging and humping. On general principle, of course - we'd be doing more than enough humping on our own. But the sight of the flattened Kim had Kriss burst into laughter.
"We've already popped her - can't we try deflating her too?"
I thought back to the hundreds of skits I'd studied putting the revues together and recalled Benny Hill had made a commendable but ultimately disappointing attempt at that. But it would be a great start since Kim had been going on about doing a bubble dance á la Sally Rand at some point, and if we were shooting outside anyway it seemed like an opportunity.
If you've never heard of Ms. Rand, she was a burlesque dancer back in the 30's whose signature act was to dance with a semi-transparent 5-foot balloon while scantily clad, tossing and catching the rubber globe as she slowly spun and stretched her limbs in appealing ways or tiptoed in tight circles with her back against the bubble. But it was far more about the graceful movements and the illusion of handling a giant, near intangible soap-like sphere - the teasing was just a bonus. She wore enough clothes to make hiding unnecessary, and the loon was much too big and unwieldy for playing peek-a-boo.
Sally was actually the first person to use balloons that size and legend has it she personally paid for the R&D of the model so she could make her vision reality. Either way she's a true icon who doesn't get near enough recognition. I've often wondered if she ever tried blowing one of those up by lung power alone - I'm almost certain she did, if only to see if it could be done. She was a pioneer after all, so her at least attempting to do it is beyond plausible. And there is an old photo capturing her inflating a somewhat smaller balloon, cheeks puffed out all the way for emphasis. I say 'somewhat' because it's at least sixteen inches, which was probably pretty big by the standards of the time.
Anyway, if I'd worn a hat I'd tip it to her. And so would Kim, who jumped at the chance to do the thing. The dance would be no problems at all - though we'd 'merely' use a forty inch loon. That was the biggest we could find at short notice in that lack-of-color. It wouldn't fill as much of the frame either. But for the rest, our best bet was to take a page from Mr. Hill and speed up the footage of the non-dancing parts - not only would it look funny but also gloss over the unfakeable bits somewhat.
Long story short, the scene started with Kim entering the scene in a babydoll dress, silk scarf, stockings and heels - all in white - and carrying the empty balloon. She began blowing it up, struggling mightily, and beckoned me over. (I was looking more business-like in an open shirt, waistcoat and pants.) I took over and blew, blew and blew until I could seemingly do no more and handed it back. Kim puffed away violently until she was panting and had me continue. We made it appear we both thought it more trouble than it was worth and it was with evident relief Kim finished and tied it off.
I patted her shoulder before walking out and Kim began her dance, the serenity thoroughly at odds with the frantic preparations. While she did mimic some of the original moves, her version was a bit more provocative and the loon sometimes obscured her just enough for you to wish it would go away. It would, for a bit, before obstructing once more. Now and then we intercut to Lexi watching from a hiding place in the bushes, making annoyed motions for the balloon to get out of the way whenever appropriate. At long last she brought out a blowgun and fired a pellet at the vexing prop.
It was here it got complicated. The shot missed and instead struck the unsuspecting performer, making Kim sink to the ground with a pop and a hiss while the balloon rolled away. She made a decent impression of a deflating doll and just as she settled I ran past, shaking my fist at Lex and chasing her away. When the camera returned to Kim she'd been replaced by her floppy copy in identical attire and I knelt down, slapped on a patch and picked it up for reinflation. It doesn't take long to blow up a doll if you know what you're doing and I made sure to both turn it slightly away from the camera and bend forward with every breath. When it was just about full I froze at the lowest point and Kim hurried in to take the dummy's place, throwing it aside in the process. I pressed my lips against her skin to puff my cheeks out again and when I straightened my back so did Kim, now fully restored to working order. I pretended to plug her up and pull the white garment over the imaginary valve before patting her shoulder again and sending her out of sight. The speed returned to normal as I turned to the viewers with a sigh.
"Now you know how I start every workday."
Of course, that was just the end result, which perhaps didn't look quite as good as I made it sound like. For a start, I had to inflate the doll seven times before we managed a somewhat acceptable switch. Then there was the editing, which took a lot of time - even the parts I thought would be easy. Making the jump cuts not appear, well, jumpy was a chore and a half in itself. But I think it turned out better than Benny Hill's version at least, and he had an actual budget. It was all worth it though when a member wrote how much he loved and how much he had laughed at the thought of Kimber having to be blown up in preparation of every show.
I played along and wrote back that it had been one of our best-kept secrets and asked him not to reveal it to non-members.
Just as well it's not needed or we'd fight over who'd get to do it. And Lex would win every time, but that'd be ok since she has dibs and all.

Anyhow, we set off on our little trip, with the next episode on my HD for remote posting. But since this isn't 'ON THE ROAD with Kriss', I won't go into much detail except saying it was all wonderful and romantic and no matter how much I might appear to make fun of or disparage Kriss she's still the one I'll spend eternity with. The way she didn't bring a single instrument was a sure sign the love's mutual.
We were gone for four nights, staying in different places each time and holding hands for every walk or excursion, occasionally getting it on in semi-public places. I can't say I've really been somewhere unless I've had her there, but standing up with our clothes on does count. And back in our rooms we blew up our substitute companions every night before calling the real ones at home. Watching their smiles on the screen was enough to tide us over and we were far too busy to have time for any real longing. But once we returned all of that yearning struck at once and we spent our first hours back rebonding in bed. And all of the night.
"So good... Inflata-you isn't the same" I whispered while making love to Lex. I'd claimed her doll since I'd been doing Kimmy's enough for the week already.
"Sure ain't", she moaned. "Missed hearing your voice. Love your voice...all of you."
Kim was happy to see us too. "Been waiting for you. Wanna show what we've done."
"Wanna see what you've done. But first show what you can do..."
Well, even if I already knew I'd never tire of reruns.

Wearing a bare minimum of the most casual and comfy things in the wardrobe we were put in front of what had been filmed in our absence. Kimber was in the hot tub, wearing a tank top and daisy dukes while riding a dolphin with handles that sorta spoiled any illusion of it being anything more than a pool toy. She'd decided to talk about whales, which explained the run-of-the-mill PVC orca in front of the tub. It was too big to be in it anyway.
Kim made mention of their sizes and endangered status and what kinds there are, including that narwhal horns might have given rise to the myths about unicorns. I liked she'd phrased the research differently than I would've done - maybe I should let her do rewrites full time. But then she got to the part I should have seen coming, right after saying that whales sometimes get beached and that dolphins have been observed guiding them away from shores.
"Sadly, sometimes they don't make it. And when you've got a dead whale on the beach, you've got a problem. It's not like you can rent a U-haul to take it away. Often explosives are used to break it up in smaller chunks, which is fine as long as it goes right. But almost fifty years ago in Oregon, it didn't. They used far too much dynamite and in the wrong spot, so the sand took most of the blast and the bits that did go flying went all over the place. One landed on the explosive expert's brand new car and wrecked it, in case you think the pieces were small small. Luckily no one got injured, but the bang scared off every scavenger bird for miles so the remains remained uneaten for a while. And that had been Plan A - I don't even want to think what their backup was, if there even was one. At least it was in a sorta secluded place - fifteen years ago a whale exploded inside a Taiwanese city."
Evidently an unlucky country for big animals - it had been there the giant duck popped too.
Kim produced a card from the edge of the pool. "I've written down a helpful suggestion for transporters! 'Don't drive a huge carcass with a gas buildup on an open truck through an urban center'."
Words to live by. She ended the broadcast in the usual way except for an addition about "so help save the whales or we may have a 'Star Trek 4' situation to deal with in the future."
"Since when do you know 'Trek'?"
"Oh, Mandy suggested it. I sent her the script for feedback."
Well, if anyone knew pop culture it would be her. I'd actually consulted her myself a couple of times.
"But wait!" she went on. "There's more."
The setting shifted to the pool house, which had been cleared except for a half-deflated orca of the same kind laying right at the edge of the water. Kim came on wearing different clothes, looking very much the stereotypic dumb blonde in a white t-shirt, short pink skirt and high heel sandals. Along with the exaggerated make-up and big hoop earrings there was something dainty and inept about the entire persona, which wasn’t helped by her gasping in horror at the sight.
"Oh no!" she cried as she rushed over and knelt down. The camera followed, being hand-held this time.
"Mister whale? Can you hear me?" She patted the plastic face in mock panic. "Mister whale?"
She looked up at us. "I'd better try mouth to mouth!"
Drawing a shrill, noisy breath she blew it out against the inflatable, then did it again. "Come on! Mister whale!"
A third big puff was followed by a thought. "Wait, whales have blow holes, right?"
She fumbled around looking for it. "Where can it be... Oh! There it is!"
Kim pulled the valve open and sent a gigantic whoosh into it. By now my suspicions had turned into certainty. This wasn't the fresh specimen on display in the main show but Willy, our old orca who'd been subjected to repeated experiments with overinflation and sun-induced heat stretching. Long before we'd gotten the nifty adapters we'd removed the tab to make him easier to inflate, and Kim was making full use of the fact. With eyes wide open she kept huffing until the big toy had lost all its wrinkles, but in true bimbo fashion she just kept going. Along the way she had straightened her legs and was now standing - blowing with all her might into the black and white vinyl that was slowly expanding beyond the rated and recommended size.
We'd put Willy away after realizing further attempts were likely to burst him and that had never been more evident than now. He was looking more like an enormous orca balloon than a pool toy and if Kim really was as worried about as his health as she appeared she should have stopped forcing more air into his body. But she didn't and I was mesmerized by the girth - I'd never seen an inflatable blow up that much past its original shape. And Kimmy managing to do it by mouth had my heart racing. I grasped her hand in appreciation of that strength and felt her fingers intertwine with mine. Knowing what was about to happen might have made her think it was out of fear, since her on-screen self only had time to add two more humongous puffs before the overblown orca popped.
POOM!
The camera shook at the sound but not enough to spoil the shot of black plastic splitting open, recoiling and collapsing while Kim jumped back with a more adorable than terrified "Eep!"
She looked down at the ruined mammal. "So that's why blowing up stranded whales is a bad idea...!"
I was all over her the moment she pressed pause. If the power demonstration hadn’t been enough in itself, being done by someone who’d looked incapable of puffing the fuzz off a dandelion certainly did the trick.
"God, kitten, you turn me on so much!"
"Should we move?" Kriss wondered.
Lexi cupped her face. "I blew up the other one. That worth anything?"
It evidently was as she soon joined hands with Kim while being rewarded for their exertions. Me and Kriss work well in tandem too.

I orally complimented them on the episode as well - in words, this time - and got shown the preparation vids that proved Lex wasn't lying. The dolphin was all Kim's though, but the interesting part was hearing them discuss how much air to put into the beached Willy, taking turns adding more until they'd reached the previously seen size. They even let some out to get it just right, though I'm sure no one would have noticed the difference.
So that was three new member videos. But none for regular subscribers, as Kim pointed out.
"That's always just been a fun extra", I said. "A simple click shouldn't net you this kind of rewards."
"Just feels wrong leaving them high and dry."
Kriss solved it. "Again, how about playing something on your sax when you can't think of anything else?"
Kim agreed and they went to shoot a shortened rendition of 'Beyond the Sea' - after practicing, of course, and Kriss' coaching methods are very encouraging.
Meanwhile, I went to check on Dodo to make sure he hadn't deflated while I was gone. He hadn't but there was no magical growth either. So I sat down with a sigh. Compensating for those days would take more than a whale of an effort.
Lexi entered the tent sheltering me from the sun.
"Thought you might like some company."
"Sure would."
"Then sit on my lap. Let me hold and kiss and touch..."
As she too began to make up for lost time I felt it more than compensated for the rest.

[ChillinHaze]

So this is during the time Dodo was getting fed a bit too much? :P

The topic of baths and hotsprings was really interesting, especially about the japanese onsen ^^
Would love to visit Japan just to try those out!

[Harley]

Episode 29

June came around and with it the changes in membership. Of course there was grouching and we naturally lost some people, but the ones who stayed at the increased price more than made up for that. And a couple even stated they'd expected a raise, since they could hardly believe the old rate. Anyhoo, it wasn't a disaster and we kept selling a little merch too.
As you can imagine, splitting the content made Kriss feel her fans were deprived of something they'd gotten used to and thought up a way to somewhat make up for that. Starting right away she and Lex would congratulate all members born that month with a new arrangement of 'Happy Birthday'. For June they dressed up in summery outfits with Kriss in light tan and one of her wide-brimmed hats while Lex wore her most-used wig with a slight side part and hair reaching past the shoulders. She looked very pretty in her pastel lavender dress, backing Kriss' trombone up on her trumpet. Oh, and they naturally began the segment with spoken well-wishes before blowing up a sixteen-inch balloon with the relevant print each - this time a leaf green and a deep blue one. Those were put on sticks to frame the performers while they played an airy rendition of the tune.
It was actually a very nice idea and I made sure to give my beloved proper credit and appreciation. Kim decided she wanted in on that too, the copycat, but she began with blowing the song on her sax before listing famous people born that month. Actually, she named one for each day before asking who you shared a b-day with.
"Whoever it is, I hope you'll have a really nice one! Happy birthday to you!"
Then she blew up a balloon from the same package the others had used, choosing a bright red one for the first instalment and waving it slightly with a big smile for the birthday boy or girl. So you see - we did add a new feature right off the bat.
Yes, yes, I know fetish sites charge more for less, but we didn't have to pay models or rent locations and we already had the bandwidth. Besides, it was mostly about giving Kim something worthwhile to do, and I wanted to preserve at least a bit of the illusion of primarily offering infotainment. Which we strictly speaking did - the fetish angle was just an (admittedly intended) byproduct.

We'd gotten a podium for the inflatable chair so shooting in the studio could resume. Kim wanted to give her heritage some love and of course I was fine with that. While she is merely descended from immigrants she does have distant relatives in Sweden and was in fact born there - her parents had thought it safe to attend a huge family reunion in the old country but she decided to arrive in this world a month early. Free healthcare must be a wonderful thing.
I bring this up because it turns out their national day is June 6 and Kim wanted the show to go out on that date. She has an amazingly cute traditional dress, which of course was absolutely mandatory, and wore it while blowing up yellow and blue balloons for the studio. She even arranged them in the shape of the Swedish flag, though it didn't exactly take advanced geometry knowledge.
Kimber greeted everyone with a hearty "Heyy!" - their most common form of hello, I'm told.
"Today's Sweden's national day - you know, that country north of mainland Europe. It's not small - the size of California, actually - but only about ten million live there. Maybe it's too cold? They say it's pretty much like Canada."
She went on to list other facts, like the name of the capital (Stockholm) and that they haven't been at war for over two hundred years. "But before that they used to fight all the time and controlled several countries. One king even went all the way down to Turkey and brought back a dish from there - the famed 'Swedish' meatballs."
I wasn't aware of the indigenous people - the sami, traditionally reindeer herders - or that you are allowed to walk or camp on private land as long as you don't litter or disturb the nature. I did know a bit about Swedish music, mainly ABBA and Ace of Base. And of course Bergman - both Ingmar and Ingrid. I sure hope they make fun movies too.
"Their main exports are cars - like Volvo - and me!" Kim said. "I was actually born in the city of Kalmar" - she didn't pronounce it the way I would have - "but my parents have lived in the States all my life. Granny and gramps know how to speak Swedish so I've picked some up from them...and all the naughty words from their dictionary. You may laugh at IKEA products but they're actually mostly named after places - or an adjective related to what they are. At least gramps says so. Those dots above some letters give them new sounds though and here's a challenge for you - try to say after me!"
She held up a card with a big 'Ö' and for the life of me I can't make the sound she demonstrated. Think of the vocal in 'her' or 'fur' and you're headed in the right direction. Kriss can, but she knows French and its closer to their 'eu'. 'Å' was just 'oh' though, and 'Ä' starts off 'air'.
"How about a little language lesson?" She indicated the wall behind her. "Feena balonger, vah? Means 'Nice balloons, right?' "
Yeah, she might not have said it exactly that way but it's what I heard. She suddenly put on a mischievous expression and a playful inflection.
"Skah jahg blohsa uhp ehn till?"
Kim looked expectantly at the camera as if awaiting a response.
"Or in English - shall I blow up another one? I should? Okay!"
She took out a white one with a rectangular print of the pattern behind her. She put a big breath into it and the balloon grew to resemble a fat drop, the flag expanding along with the rubber. The next exhale blew it up even more and soon she had inflated it to a neat eleven inches. But looking at the results she seemed to make an unpleasant discovery.
"Deht air fehl sort."
I don't think we have that 'e' sound either - another reason the language seems so foreign. Kim at least offered a translation - "It's the wrong kind."
She looked perturbed. "Vahd skah yahg djura mehd dehn doh?" A beat. "Then what to do with it?"
Suddenly she lit up. "Kansheh yahg bourdeh smellah dehn?"
There was no mistaking the enthusiasm in either language. "Maybe I shoud pop it!"
Still full of anticipation Kim produced something thin, steely and sharp. "Aha! Ehn nohl!"
This time I needed no translation but she provided one anyway - "Aha! A pin!"
Twirling it in the air she jabbed at the loon which burst and sent the top half flying towards me.
"PAHNG!" Kim exclaimed and if you don't understand that I'm sorry.
"So much for that", she went on and put away her temporary props. I picked up the latex piece and saw it appeared to have been cut off with serrated scissors - the edged was jagged almost evenly in tiny points. Hadn't seen that too often - physics are weird.
"Anyway, I just thought this would be a good time to reveal a bit about myself.”
I was relieved she didn’t slip up with ‘of myself’. That had meant quite a retake.
“Sorry if I got anything wrong – I’d be happy if you’d correct me!” She did the same old routine before saying goodbye in the old language. "Hey doh!"
As everyone had already got to see some blowing and popping Kim played the national anthem for the subscribers. The Swedish one, that is. She had wanted to do it on the birch bark trumpet she'd acquired on Kriss' behalf for her collection, but getting a tune out of that is really, really hard. So the saxophone would have to do.
Kissing and fondling her afterwards was very odd and very arousing thanks to the old-time country girl clothes. Kim smelled and tasted as good as always of course but the outfit was a bit off. And had to be taken off.
"Mmm", I sighed. "How do you say 'horny' in Swedish?"
I got a whispered reply. "Koht..."
"Then I'm koht."
Kim bit my ear and mimicked my Swenglish. "Yagh too."

Alex was amazed at her wife's sorta-fluency. "It's never sounded that...real before."
"Been watching a lot of kid's shows to brush up. Not like I can hold a conversation."
"That explains your approach."
"Yeah! Thought it'd be fun to do something like that. You know, the presenter fooling around with toys."
I held my tongue but Lexi didn't. Her line of thought ran in another direction, though.
"Bet there are looners watching that kind of thing just hoping for it to happen."
"Oh, for sure", Kriss said. "There are worse ways to spend your time."
Kim nodded. "Prolly real rewarding when it does. Hope someone was happy I did it!"
I hadn't the heart reminding her people went in fully expecting it. "Someone's always happy to see you."
And they were, according to the comments. Many expressed surprise at her origins and two were written in Swedish - one general greeting and one 'Jag gillar när du smäller ballonger'. I made a guess and Kim confirmed it meant 'I like it when you pop balloons'.
"Weird word", Kriss said. "Sounds like you're sniffing them."
I agreed but was told "'Ehn smell' is 'a bang', literally."
Kriss jumped at that. "Bet he'd love it when you bang balloons then!"
Don't we all.

Overall, we were in great spirits but the mood was somewhat dampened not long after that. I don't like to speak about what happened to Dodo since I still feel guilty about it, but the one thing I didn't mention last time was the repair man's reaction. He asked where the compressor was and when Kriss said we didn't have one and had blown it up by mouth he thought it a jolly good joke. Then my wife produced the video evidence and that shut him up real quick. He just shook his head and went to work, probably thinking we were crazy enough he'd be lucky to escape with his life.
The show did go on though and then Kim added yet another request.
"I've wanted to do a James Bond thing forever. Or Jamie Bond."
"Jamie Blonde, even. Lemme guess, you found an occasion related to it in some way."
"Yeah!" she nodded. "It's gonna be thirty years since 'License to Kill' came out real soon."
I thought back a bit. "The shitty one with the exploding head?"
"That's it. But it's the first time any dates have lined up!"
"Doable, I guess." I'd watched - and enjoyed - enough of those films to feel confident I could do it. But once again I could have used a little more time.
I didn't ask which of the leading ladies she'd planned on emulating. I knew she just wanted an excuse to dress like the eponymous hero.
Of course I called a council on the subject and as we sat down to talk about our personal favorites it obviously turned to the important stuff.
"So who's the sexiest Bond?" Kriss asked.
"Connery" I said. "Always and forever."
Kim chimed in. "Daniel Craig."
"Of the real ones."
"Timothy Dalton then. It's that bad boy vibe, you know."
We knew. Kriss and Lex were both on team Brosnan but Alex had a caveat.
"Roger Moore wasn't too bad when young."
"Younger", I said. "He was older than Sean."
"No shit? Daamn."
Well-preserved or not, I can't count him as a serious contender since he popped Yaphet Kotto. Swear to god, 'Live and Let Die' ends with him force-feeding the villain a gas capsule which makes him float to the ceiling and explode. I almost died laughing when I saw it and that's not a good thing when watching a Bond movie. Yeah, I know I just spoiled that flick but to be honest it kinda spoiled itself on release.
"Sexiest Bond girl then?"
That took some debating and we hit a stalemate when it couldn't be decided whether only the ones ending up with James counted.
"Any of the actresses ever wear a tux for promotions?" Kim asked. "They should be contractually obliged."
"Dunno and don't think so." Wasn't like I'd looked.
"Gladys Knight did", Kriss stated.
Lex shook her head. "She just sung the theme. That counts?"
"No", Kim said. "Shame. Would have loved Pussy Galore in one."
I'm sure you can imagine the comments.

When the time came to do the show Kim dressed up without being contracted to, and while I'm not complaining, oh no, the turndown collar shirt isn't quite my thing. But she still sure looked damned fine, jacket buttoned and hair combed smooth but far from flat. She could have passed for one of those Bond girls that only have one or two scenes. The martini glass on the desk held lemon water, but gave the right impression.
Speaking of impressions she had evidently planned ahead and bought silver mylar balloons to write out '007'. I decided not to ask where she'd gotten hold of the black latex ones with the same number printed in gold. They looked like they belonged to some movie release promotion and could for all I knew be pretty old. One of them bursting right in her face kinda lent it some credence.
Not counting that one, she blew up nine of those for the backdrop before filling the foil balloons. The classy clothes made it appear like she was preparing a cinema foyer for the grand premiere. Like always she had me straighten her tie and lapels right before the shoot and I took the opportunity to talk figures.
"Why nine?"
"The double-O's", she said, which made some kind of weird sense.
"You only had twelve, right? So that means there's two left."
She nodded. Then, with uncanny timing, one of the balloons went PAF on the wall.
"One", she said and began blowing up the other.

The decorations restored, the presenter took her seat and introduced herself.
"The name's Blonde - Kimber Blonde. Today we'll have a look at one of my fellow agents - James Bond."
(That's from the retake. At first she gave James her own surname too.)
She mentioned the significance of the date and why she'd chosen it to look at the franchise as a whole. First she went into how it began as novels by Ian Fleming and how he chose the spy theme by drawing on his wartime intelligence service and stole the hero's moniker from the author of an ornithology book.
"It was the movies that made it a household name though."
Kim listed the names and release years of the first ones and how the gimmicky gadgets had really captured the public imagination. And the official one too, as the US Navy called up the prop maker to express a very serious interest in the tiny underwater breathers seen in 'Thunderball' - wanting specifics on how long the air lasted. They were pretty miffed to be told 'as long as you can hold your breath'. But they wouldn't be the last to mistake non-functioning props for the real deal and some of those inventions would be really awesome if they could only be made to work.
The actor changes were discussed and how the Moore era was less coldblooded than Connery's. If it was less sexist is debatable but it could hardly be worse. Dalton was tough but maybe too gritty and then Pierce Brosnan brought Bond a few emotions. George Lazenby, who wasn't an actor but a model proved at least one of the male leads got hired solely on appearance. Whether Craig can be said to have anything in common with the earlier versions is questionable, but Kim likes him and said so. Her show, her words.
The conclusion was that the latest iteration was more like the books and a little more grounded in reality, as opposed to the increasingly spectacular and over-the-top extravaganzas of the last century. "But it doesn't matter which you prefer - as the end credits say, 'James Bond will return'. And so will I! If you've enjoyed this ep, why not like and subscribe? Got some classified clips 'for your eyes only'."
After that she naturally had to make good on the promise and record a brand new one. It was short and to the point, as those should be.
"Best part about being an action hero is that blowing stuff up is part of the job description", agent Blonde stated. "Or maybe the cool gadgets. I've been issued these portable explosions."
She drew the final 007 balloon from a pocket and began to inflate it without delay, though she was far from in a hurry. Three puffs in she took it from her lips and cocked her head at the camera.
"They're excellent for distractions."
Well, at least if you look like Kim and handle them just like her. Someone might have been able to sneak an elephant past my back without me noticing, if it kept silent.
The balloon wouldn't go quietly but that wasn't the point - rather how long it would last as Kimber kept blowing without a care in the world, like it was only a part of the job. Which for her it was, even if she'd taken it on herself. Just as the loon's neck began to stretch out the black latex burst almost gently, the torn pieces more falling than flying to the sides. The pop wasn't too loud either but definitely adequate - in fact, it had probably been less effective with a more violent bang. This was so casual you really got the impression that sort of thing happened all the time in the world of international espionage.
"Got your attention, didn't it? Wouldn't look behind me if I were you", Kim smirked.
Her smile returned to normal. "Well, gotta go. I've got a rundeevoo with my archenemy... Blow-feld. Ta-ta for now!"
She didn't shoot the camera at the end, but of course we had to replicate the gun barrel opening - finding a replica overlay wasn't hard. But Kim didn't fire a pistol but a blowgun and I substituted the blood with sounds of the would-be assassin popping and the rifle clattering to the floor. If Roger Moore could explode his opponents, so could she.
Most of that happened later in the editing room, though. As we finished recording she came up and took hold of my shoulders.
"If you wanna be a Bond girl you're gonna need another name."
I'd actually given that some thought. And since Cherry Poppins was taken I'd gone slightly more realistic. Not the done thing in those movies, I know.
"Luna Popov, I guess."
Kim twirled a strand of my hair round a finger. "You know, Luna, Bond always get the girl in the end. Do I, too?"
"Seems like it", I grinned. "Though they seem to end up in lifeboats a lot."
What we owned in that department was drydocked in a cupboard, and more importantly, not in the room. Kim grasped me in a fierce embrace that set my pulse running.
"Ain't got time to blow it up. Do you?"
"I thought you just said blowing stuff up was the best part of the job..."
"This is off-hours, Miss Popov. Though I could probably find something to blow if I look hard enough..."
"Kiss me, Jamie."

If James Bond's half as good in bed I understand why he keeps scoring. I found myself thinking back on Kim's after-credits work as I put the show together. Then it struck me there was something we really should have filmed. I located the star lounging in front of some other filmed entertainment.
"Would you mind getting back in the spy suit?"
"For you, Luna, anytime."
"It's actually for the members", I admitted, watching Kim deflate. I blew her back up under cover of a kiss.
"I thought you could show what a great shot you are."
Said and done. Kim donned the formalwear once more and stocked up on pellets.
"Being an agent means having to keep in practice. I like getting some in whenever I can. Since I've got the perfect targets I thought I'd show you."
She put some ammo in her mouth and shot one of the studio balloons to pieces with her blowgun. The second shot ricocheted off the wall, but the third and fourth caused two more subdued bangs. Then she missed twice in a row and had to reload.
"The sight must be off", Kim said and pretended to adjust it. Dunno if she aimed extra carefully or just got lucky, but the remaining balloons met one explosive end after another. A final salvo resulted in three misses and three punctured mylars.
"Seems I just wounded those", she said. "But they've been neutralized anyway."
Kim slipped the last of the pellets between her lips, grabbed a balloon left behind in a previous shoot from under the desk and threw it into the air. Then she fired the entire magazine at once, tearing the target to pieces with a last, definite pop. It was clearly something she did just for fun and the hell of it, and it showed. I'd never object to such a gleeful and spontaneous finish, though. It made the whole thing better somehow.
"Now, are you sure there’s nothing more I should do while looking the part?"
I stroked her hair. "Let's go find that damn boat. I want the full experience."

The episode was more popular than I'd thought and made Kriss and Alex decide they just had to record a cover of the Bond theme for their channel - in similar getups. They're not nearly as bad about it as Kim, but won't pass up an opportunity to tease n' please.
I wished I could get back at them all at once so I waited until they were sunbathing together, then put on a police uniform, Kim's favorite scent, and brought my tuba to show Kriss I was more than happy to do things she enjoyed too.
The result was probably more confusing than enticing, though I did get their attention. And once they caught on I played the piper with some success, albeit with a rather more unwieldy instrument. I got them where I wanted at any rate.
Maybe I didn't get the point entirely across, but what they gave me for my troubles was more than worth it.

[Harley]

Episode 30

If you feel I don't mention user responses enough it's certainly not for a lack of comments. There were plenty, but as I've said before, usually not too story-relevant. As expected there were ones about Agent Kimber being 'licensed to thrill' and quite a few asking why we hadn't said more about their favorite Bond stuff.
The requests kept pouring in and while a few were reasonable and occasionally useable, others were outright baffling. If they thought the show was a suitable venue for a balloon strip they were barking up the wrong tree. They should have come to The Stone while the getting was good to see that, even if it had been Carrie's domain. Not that Kim hadn't tried it during rehearsals, though. It was a pleasant memory and she actually gave the rest of the household a repeat performance after being reminded by the request. Partly to show she could if she wanted to - and partly as a prelude to even more lurid acts.
The birthday greeting opened up another floodgate of suggestions to put all the members' usernames on freshly inflated balloons - or at the very least the sender's.
"What's up with that?" Kriss wondered. "People usually ask me to write my name."
Alex shrugged. "Guess it feels like being made part of the show. We used to do it alla time on cam."
Kim agreed. "That, probably. I've no problem with it but there's a time and place."
Speaking of signatures, she had sold a few autographed photos - but more surprisingly, so had I. I'd been so dazed by the concept I'd ruined the first by writing 'Jackie Toff' across the glossy surface before remembering I wasn't going by that anymore. And in addition to smaller bags, two full hundred-packs of loons had been sent out along with some free samples. There might be a chance we'd get rid of them all before the latex passed the sell-by date.
I actually don't hate it when Kriss is right. I kinda love it even if it can be exasperating. The DVD's proved to be one of her brighter ideas, since we got nothing but absolutely rave - or raving, take your pick - reviews of the commentaries. Then again, the few buyers were probably loyal enough to have praised any extras.
And there I go again, putting down people I really appreciate just to burst Krissie's bubble a bit. Sorry about that, fellas - your feedback did make me choke up a bit. In the best way. There'll be an even better Volume 2, I promise.

While Kriss and Lex usually stay away from the writing process, they proved pretty creative in making up 'Bond girl' names for themselves just so they could demand an audition with Kim under the same circumstances I'd ended up in. While Agent Blonde had proved really capable and insisted on inflating the B.B. Puffitude ('Blow Boat', see previous publications) without assistance, I played a more proactive role in providing the usual hero's reward. As in taking command of the entire situation.
"You'd make a lousy Bond", I told her afterwards. "For a start he'd never say 'I love you' that much."
"He would if he'd gotten that..."
“And he wouldn’t even have tried mouth-inflation. He would’ve had some nifty pump hidden up a sleeve. Or if he had, he would’ve wound up so winded he couldn’t perform”, I added.
Kim chuckled. “Lightweight.”
Be that as it may, she later was joined aboard by in turn ‘Goldie Horne’ and ‘Belle Brassica’. You might see why I get stuck at the keyboard. And I'd promised Kim a run-down of the entire fantasy genre which, I must confess, isn't really my forte. Things didn't improve by Kim getting a kick out of roleplaying a secret agent and decided she'd be an elf this time. And not the Santa's helper kind, but going full-on Galadriel. Or something like that. The outfit would have to be rented, that much was clear, or we'd blow far too much cash on a single appearance.
Kriss had anticipated the episode nearly as much because she felt it meant she could write a flute piece to accompany the preparation video for ambience. But here's the thing - of all the instruments she knows how to play, the flute is definitely not her specialty. Sure, she can do brief passages when needed, but a virtuoso she ain't. Which became painfully clear once it was time to record it. Poor Kriss was heartbroken after all the work she'd put in composing the thing and there was only one thing to do - call Connecticut for assistance once more. Jo's more than competent and was happy to help out, especially after what we'd given her beloved.
"Samy's over the moon”, she reported. “Would have needed a crowbar to get her away from the screen the first night."
"Hope it didn't spoil anything."
"On the contrary. She was still beaming once she came to bed."
So we sent the sheet music over and got a usable version in return. While her recording equipment was way below what Kriss had the results weren't bad and being in the background would make the sound quality irrelevant.
Kim had decided to consult experts too and let the costumers handle her makeup. Which meant she returned wearing not only a dazzling wintergreen gown with plenty of silver accessories - both needlework and jewelry with inlaid fake diamonds - but lovely pointy ears that didn't look ridiculous in the least and makeup that fairly shone with faint traces of glitter. The cheeks were shaded to accentuate her cheekbones and her beautiful blue eyes were framed by lashes exaggerated just enough to emphasize the otherworldly appearance. The final touch was a circlet around her brow, vanishing at the sides under masses of hair - obviously not just decorative but holding the tiny flowers peeking out of her 'do as well. I had no idea what they'd done to make her tresses so airy and lustrous, but the result was remarkable. She was stunning, if you're into that sort of thing, and I suddenly realized I was. At least for the moment. The only downside being it was pretty evidently a look-but-don't-touch affair.
After all the admiration she could handle from her mates - Lexi even whimpering at the first glance - we got ready for filming. We'd decided to do it outside because the main prop wouldn't fit in the studio and besides, a backdrop of greenery would be just the thing. But first there was an impromptu photo session, because that look had to be preserved. Kriss even told her to blow up a green promo balloon to pose with in case we wanted glossies and after that was done she changed her mind to yellow for better contrast. Oh, and an orange one while she was at it? Plus a magenta for good measure.
Despite the ten-plus minutes spent on that it wasn't a waste - I was sure the members would like the behind-the-scenes reel. But they'd probably be even more awed by the preparation of our most massive prop yet. We'd placed a sort-of-oriental rug on the grass to protect the dress and Kim sat down on it. She'd be standing for the main presentation, but what she was about to do didn't quite lend itself to that. After setting up the rest of the equipment the fun could begin.

"One of the most popular concepts of magic is the ability to control the elements. Making rain or part rivers, ordering the earth to shake or shoot fire from your fingertips."
Kimber wiggled her hands in front of her.
"I can't do any of that, but I have some command over air. I'm going to use it to summon my familiar - watch."
If you expected some tiny inflatable or mylar you'd be dead wrong, but I hoped someone would just for the surprise. Blowser was all set with a larger-than-usual adapter already placed in her main valve and Kim gracefully pulled the deflated form into view. Without hesitation and wearing a gentle smile she brought the tube to her lips and blew in a long, full breath. It was immediately followed by another, and from that point Kim seem to be fully absorbed by the undertaking. After all, doing magic requires concentration.
I'd been worried she'd overdo it and break the illusion of dignity - this would take some time so going slow wasn't an option - and while usually looking cool, sexy or funny the red face and crossed eyes might be a little out of place in this setting. But Kim must have thought the same, as she toed the line of overexertion without crossing it. How she managed to appear so serene while blowing so hard is a mystery for the ages - even with fully inflated cheeks she somehow kept the regal, elfin appearance. Now and then she opened her eyes to check how she was getting along, though it felt like a natural part of the spell.
I saw Lexi silently slinking away after biting her lips a long while and felt a bit like joining her. It was difficult to not gasp at the sight and ruin the soundtrack. Kriss, however, was taking it in with professional approval and a lecherous grin. I decided to try that approach, which might have the added benefit of motivating Kim.
Maybe it had nothing to do with us, but I thought the elven queen now seemed even happier about blowing up her dragon. Or it could be she was halfway done and saw the end was within reach. Either way she was clearly enjoying herself while the wrinkly green vinyl unfolded and puffed up with ever-increasing amounts of her breath. Her face kept inflating with every exhale and reflected the sunlight in gleaming round spots that made the expansion seem even greater. She'd been prescient enough to angle Blowser in a way that wouldn't obstruct her even as the dragon grew full and its impressive size almost defied belief. There was something unreal about the contrast between the gaudy plastic and the near-ethereal lady bringing it to shape and life with air straight from her mouth. Kim had blown it up from almost nothing without pausing and now it towered majestically above her, although not high enough to go out of frame. Two slightly curved horns swept backwards from the smiling head, looking almost sharp despite being made from inflated PVC. The crouched legs grew taut along with the rest of the body and spiky tail, and once the creature was firm and steady on the ground Kim capped the valve and pushed it in. The dragon’s floppy wing extending from elbow to shoulder received a few powerful puffs from its mistress and then Kimber spun the creature around to repeat the process on the other side. She looked very pleased with her work.
"Whew! I'll admit it takes some effort, but so much better than a bat or something, don't you think?"
She rose and put her arms around Blowser's neck, embracing it while grinning at the camera. That would be a good for a fadeout, so I went to hug her myself.
"Incredible. That belongs in the realm of fantasy for sure."
"Hope so. Any idea for the subscribers? The sax is out."
Kriss came up for a hug too and held up a bag. "I brought an assortment."
While there were quite a few types of loons none really felt right. Kim made a half-hearted attempt at blowing up a bulging green zeppelin for the camera but realized she couldn't think of anything to say and blew it to burst on general principle. Good extra, bad script.
By now Lexi had returned and while she was itching to touch a hug had to do for her too. She did have the bright idea of contacting an expert, so I called Mandy.
"This isn't gonna sound odder than many things we've done, but is there something in the way of loons a fantasy elf could plausibly blow up?"
She didn't even need five seconds. "A crystal ball!"
We spoke a little more while at it, but there'd be no better alternative. Only problem – our loons weren't crystal clear. Or spherical.
So it was off to the decorators while Kim had a well-earned rest along with some snacks Lex had prepared. Mine would have to wait while I picked up a few eight-inch bubble balloons. That was the starting size though and I realized I'd never seen how big they could get. Hopefully not huge - they weren't latex, after all.

Back in front of the cam Kim made a spiel about wanting to look into the future and needing the right tool. She produced the pre-stretched and strawed balloon from god knows where and inhaled deeply. The transparent material filled up and swelled out as she blew into it, some condensation forming on the inner wall but not enough to ruin the impression. It was far better than the milky rubber version.
The globe reached the intended size and Kim gazed at it.
"Can't really make anything out... Maybe if it was bigger?"
She resumed blowing through the thin tube and the ball expanded quite a bit, approaching sixteen inches across and maybe a little more. It still wasn't enough for any prescient visions, so the would-be scryer decided to go for broke and began inflating it with more force than strictly necessary.
It broke all right, but not before reaching what I imagined must have been at least twenty-five inches. Kim kept staring at it throughout, as if hoping to make something of the contents. But it was all a lot of hot air and before she'd reached any conclusions it had popped, contracted and dropped to the ground in a fraction of a second. She looked up at the viewers.
"Seems like the future will hold an explosion!"
That was more than likely, but the size the balloon had grown to was unexpected. Kriss demanded to blow up one of the spares to see what it was like and since we had no immediate use for them I let her. She inflated it at least as big and after it burst she remarked how different it had felt to the touch.
"Could be good for riding", she noted.
Alex looked thoughtful. "Would be cool if there were beachballs made from that. Talk about space-saving."
The idea had merit, even if might not prove practical. Anyway, it was about time to get started on the main show if we wanted to be done by dinner, or even before sundown.
Kim scanned through the script one last time and this time - with no cue cards or papers in front of her - she slipped up a couple of times and had to correct herself at my signals. We did keep it in since there was no irrecoverable damage to the flow. I'm just gonna break it down real quick because writing it once was tiresome enough.
With the rug removed, the presenter stood next to the huge inflatable whose tail stretched somewhat upwards towards the decorative trees by the garden wall. Kim was positioned so she could lean against Blowser’s neck for support or effect, if she wanted to. But that’s just a stage description. What she said went something like this:
“Fantasy is a genre dealing with the, well, fantastic – the supernatural, magic or unreal. Most of the ancient mythological stories can be said to belong to it, and romances and fairy tales from the middle ages and onwards also qualify, but I thought we’d look at stuff that’s not usually sorted under those headings. The two main things separating modern fantasy from those is that it’s admitted fiction and has a named author.”
She mentioned that the older versions usually took place in our world, even if it was “long ago and far away”, while newer works often but not always are set in a fictional place with its own rules, history and geography. Some of the first examples were written in the fairy tale style, like ‘The Nutcracker’ by E.T.A. Hoffman and basically everything by H.C. Andersen. Scotsman George MacDonald is generally thought to have written the first fantasy novel for adults, ‘Phantastes’. But the fantastic elements were more accepted in books nominally for children – hence Carroll’s ‘Alice in Wonderland’, Barrie’s ‘Peter Pan’ and L. Frank Baum’s ‘Oz’ books. Lord Dunsany accentuated his tales with an elaborate, flowery style which many have tried aping with disastrous results. Good for parodies, though.
Kim worked through the gist of all that, except with more and simpler words.
“In the early 20th century magazines - especially pulps – proved a great way for fantasy authors to sell their stuff. The first and most famous was ‘Weird Tales’ where writers like H.P. Lovecraft – more known for horror stories – and Robert E. Howard proved popular. The latter thought up Conan the Barbarian, one of the most copied characters in fantasy. Another magazine mainstay was Fritz Leiber, who coined the phrase ‘Swords and Sorcery’ to describe his work.”
Well, his content might be more appropriate but I was impressed she’d gotten the rest about right.
“The big name is of course J.R.R. Tolkien, who wrote ‘The Hobbit’ and ‘The Lord of the Rings’ while creating an incredibly detailed setting for them. His definitions of elves and dwarves have become a standard in the genre, and he also introduced hideous creatures called orcs.”
She went on to say that Tolkien was friends with C.S. Lewis who wrote the ‘Narnia’ books and that the first major female fantasy writer was Ursula K. Leguin. Kim managed to remember saying that Michael Moorcock popularized the concept of Law against Chaos in his ‘Elric’ books, which many other writers would allude to or outright borrow. I suspect she mainly did because of the author’s name.
“The first fantasy book on the New York Times bestseller list was ‘The Sword of Shanandra’ – sorry, Shannara – by Terry Brooks. I think it came out in 1977. Since then others have frequently made it, but it’s pretty recent, don’t you think?”
Some name dropping followed and I just knew people would react to her forgetting Donaldson, but so, so many others were left out on purpose we’d hear about it anyway.
“J.K. Rowling’s ‘Harry Potter’ series proved incredibly popular, though she claims she wasn’t aware she was writing fantasy. That just makes her look dumb, right?”
Kim rounded off by saying it’s still a popular genre and many more names will probably be added in the future, then went on to a different medium.
“Fantasy has always been difficult to transform into moving pictures, because of all the special effects needed. Disney adapted a couple of fantasy books – ‘The Sword in the Stone’ by White and ‘The Black Cauldron’ by Alexander, but that was of course animation. CGI changed all that and the ‘Lord of the Rings’ movies proved once and for all it can be done well by now. Even for TV – you may have heard of a little show called ‘Game of Thrones’. It’s based on the books of George R.R. Martin.”
And for once, yet another medium.
“Also, roleplaying games are often set in fantasy worlds, both tabletop ones like ‘Dungeons and Dragons’ or computer versions. They let the players bring their own fantasies to life, which wouldn’t be quite as interesting in a mundane setting. Books make you use your imagination to picture what happens, but games encourage you to help deciding it too. Whatever your interest, chances are you’ll cross paths with fantasy at some point.”
Then only the disclaimer remained.
“I know I’ve left out so much! But give a girl a break” – here she leaned against the dragon, probably to get some mileage out of all that blowing – “there’s only so much I can remember! Why don’t you do me a favor and put the important stuff in the comments? That way everyone can learn – including me.”
By now you know how the episodes always end - but this time, after blowing the kiss, she re-leaned against Blowser, who slid away and made Kim topple over. It was a magnificent fall and my heart caught in my throat anticipating the effects on the dress. It was just dumb luck she has a dancer’s reflexes and managed to land hands first. It was still neither elegant, dignified nor graceful. Alex ran to help her up and I gave her a choice right away.
“Not bad - except for the end. Retake or freeze frame?”
I don’t think you need much imagination to guess the answer.

Having checked we had everything we needed no time was wasted in relieving Kim of her gown. But there was no time to remove either the jewelry or the ears as we were all very much set on the same thing. Without delay she was brought to bed and even after we’d all finished making love to her it didn’t seem enough either for us or for Kim. So we fucked her good and hard, her makeup and finery adding more than a little excitement. But she still wasn’t satisfied, and to tell the truth neither was I after all the tension and buildup throughout the day.
“I wanna hump Blowser too…” the now-disheveled elf half moaned.
Out of the question on the lawn of course, but fortunately we have double patio doors and could drag the dragon inside. Kimmy immediately dropped to her knees and started to blow in even more air, working in a frenzy to finish as soon as she could. Testing the firmness with her fingers she added a few final breaths before jumping up to straddle the improvised sex toy. The thrusting and grinding began at once and the vinyl hide bulged and contorted ever so slightly in response. Kim had blown it as stiff as she dared but it looked so sturdy I had no fear even as Lexi climbed on behind her. Wrapping her arms around her lover she fondled and pinched her breasts while both groaned and gasped with delight at the bouncy ride.
Kriss slipped from my arms and put one leg over Blowser’s tail, crouching as she tried to put the smallest spike inside herself. She only managed to pin the appendage beneath her ass but apparently it did something as she beckoned me over to try the adjacent one. I sat down as gently as I could and immediately felt a jolt of pleasure from the pointy but soft part pressing against my privates. Leaning forward to embrace Kriss the sensation only grew, enhanced by her lips and tongue against mine. Rubbing against the inflated plastic was amazing and even better by knowing it was filled with my beloved Kimmy-coo’s breath. I could hear her yelps and whines behind me along with Lexi’s, while any sounds from Kriss were muffled by my mouth. Her touch more than compensated and soon I was so dizzy with arousal I stopped noticing even the creaks and squeaks of the air-filled critter we were riding. Lights flashed across the inside of my eyelids and when the shrill noise of Kim coming cut through everything I knew I had to catch up, catch up real soon. Kriss was already getting tense and I wanted to beat her to the punch, not out of envy but sheer, eager lust.
Pushing down with all my might I didn’t give a damn if Blowser popped – I’d do a patch ’n puff all by myself if I could only get off right this instant. I felt Kriss speeding up as well and for a hot second thought all four of us jumping together would stand a fair chance of making it a literal bang, and then all reason was swept away in a torrent of ecstasy. I tossed my head back to scream and heard both Kriss and Lex join in before everything became calm as we came to a rest on the still intact inflatable.
With the urgency gone, the tail spike was no longer as comfortable and I rose without reluctance. Kim slid off her seat too and planted a big kiss on Blowser’s snout.
“I think this one’s the best of the bunch.”
“Better fuck’em all to make sure”, Kriss suggested.
“No”, Kim said. “I draw the line at humping a hot dog.”
It had been a wonderful afternoon and evening. Now there was just the small matter of the oversized pool toy in the living room. I looked the scene over.
“Don’t know about you but I think she’ll like it better in the fun-geon.”
“Definitely”, Kim said and leaned down to pull the plug as if it had been no work at all filling it up. “Fun-geons and Dragons!”
“I’ll blow her up next time”, Alex promised. “Wanna play princess too.”
I don’t think any fairy tale has ever mentioned princesses doing that, but maybe it’s high time they did.

[Harley]

Episode 31

With the gorgeous outfit Kriss had bankrolled safely returned I felt we were done with the fantasy theme. But since my research had overlapped so much with science fiction and many things were still fresh in my mind I suggested we'd do that right away to get it over with. 'Saucer day' was coming up on the 24th anyway and that would be as good a date as any. Better than most, in fact.
This time writing felt much easier (granted, because I cheated by glossing over a lot) and thinking up an outfit for Kim wasn't hard either - she still had the gear she'd worn at the theater (as 'Lush Gordon') packed away. A four-foot inflatable alien was also among the samples my mates had blown up for inspection, although Kriss had done the honors with that one. Not that it mattered since the afternoon we'd spent deflating them all, but Kim couldn't stop giggling while sitting on its face to force the air out. Come to think of it, I believe we all cracked a smile at that. Anyway, props were not a problem. Especially after Kriss returned from a shopping trip with the other blonde who'd either failed to keep her on a short leash or outright encouraged her.
Yes, if you haven't figured, Kim's got a license too but rarely makes use of it. Though it might add some extra incitement for Kriss to catch up and she was gearing up to take her final test - if only to beat Lex, who was coming up fast behind her. What she brought home that day were three twelve-packs of alien-shaped green balloons with LED lights inside. Actually a pretty modest amount, for her. If nothing else the presenter hadn't stopped her - and really had no reason to. They would fit right into the theme.

Kim took a while getting ready for the shoot and when she appeared it was evident most of it had been spent at the top. I'm sure you've heard of '80's hair', but this went almost beyond even that. While she always sports quite an impressive mane, what she'd done now was a further step up. A lot of spray had probably been involved. Her eyeliner extended a bit to the sides for a hint of cat-eye exotism, while her clothes were tight red lacquer all over - headband with a downwards point in the middle, straps around her upper arms, leggings held together at the sides with golden rings and a top that was barely more than a bra. A loose chain of brass discs around her neck added to the pulpy comic vibe, as did the high black boots with several metallic buckles.
"Ta-daa! Still got it?"
"Oh yeah. And maybe then some. Those pants make you look inflated."
That struck Kim with what was either an idea or a blonde moment, and she ran to retrieve a valve from a discarded beach ball. She handed me the cutaway part and asked me to glue it to the side of her buttock. I could only ask which one.
She pointed at the left. "Here! I'll turn that towards the camera."
Well, it would be hilarious to show a blow-up space babe blowing up the decorations. And some would definitely enjoy the suggestion. I made sure to use a water-soluble adhesive though, in case she wanted to reuse the leggings.
Kim tore open all three balloon bags and poured the contents onto the desk, putting a couple aside for safekeeping. Then she raised a drooping mass of nearly neon-green PVC to her lips and swiftly inflated it into a humanoid shape with an oversized head. She blew in a final, powerful breath and closed the valve at the back of the skull before standing the alien in place against the back wall.
Without pausing she reached for the first of the many balloons heaped on the table. She armed the LED light by pulling out a tab before blowing the green latex full of her air. It grew into a doll shape maybe twenty inches in length before being tied off and placed on the floor. Another followed it, and yet another. Kim kept puffing away, blowing up balloon after balloon into identical invaders, the lights inside them flashing gently but barely noticeable in the fully lit room. After ten or so the collection began to look vaguely intimidating, the effect only increasing with every new addition. The work was professional and sexy at once - I have to admit Kim was hot as hell in her shiny getup. It was tempting to walk up, kneel down and blow into her valve just for fun, but perhaps not with the cam still running and aliens left to inflate.
She handled them admirably, puffing her cheeks out in that cute and alluring way every single time a breath was added. Two of the loons did burst in her face, but she just threw away the rather sad remains and started on the next one. Eventually they had all been transformed from limp latex to taut, vaguely bowling pin-shaped green figures appearing to be just waiting to be knocked down.
Kimber put down the final balloon and wiped her brow. "At least when they ask for my report I can say I blew up their entire army."
Once more I speculated whether first-time viewers would wonder how the props were inflated and if they'd hope or fantasize about Kimber doing it herself. If the membership figures were anything to go by, more than enough. Maybe stating that the entire horde was shown being inflated on camera inside would boost those even more.

With the preparations finished, Kim sat down for the presentation, the script handily placed in front of her. She put on her best smile and began.
"When you hear 'Science Fiction', you might think about aliens and lasers and spaceships, but it's much more than that. It can be any story where physics or technology are important elements, usually meant to tickle the imagination. A total oversimplification would be saying the wonders in fantasy come from magic and the ones in science fiction from tech. They cross over a bit but you get the idea, right? Now, there are loads and loads of thoughts about what should be counted as sci-fi and what the first examples are, so let's make it easy and skip the old stuff. Instead, let's begin when scientific inventions and theories had become commonplace in reality, but not common enough to be taken for granted - say, the eighteen hundreds? There we have two authors who beyond a doubt are best known for science fiction - Jules Verne and H.G. Wells."
She said that Verne put a lot of focus on technology and how it worked while Wells skimped on those bits in favor of storytelling and ideas - two schools of science fiction that have remained ever since.
"The Oz books by Frank Baum have elements of both fantasy and sci-fi, since there are mechanical people and other inventions, but the word 'robot' wasn't used until Karel Čapek" - that pronunciation had taken some practice - "coined it in the play 'Rossum's Universal Robots. It's Czech for 'laborer', since that's what they were made for. Those weren't mechanical but organic and human looking - a type of construct often called an android or a gynoid depending on gender."
Kim consulted her notes. "I'm mentioning that because robots are a staple in the genre, just like artificial intelligence which has been around in fiction for much longer than any real life version. But many things that have since become reality first appeared as seemingly impossible concepts in sci-fi stories."
I was happy she had her cheat sheet on standby, because memorizing it would have been much to ask of anybody.
"Some writers challenge themselves to make the science and physics completely accurate, or at least plausible from what's known at the time - and in turn challenge the readers to find faults with it. This sub-genre is often called 'hard' science fiction. Hugo Gernsback, who founded the first sci-fi magazine - 'Amazing Stories' - in 1926 and gave the genre its name three years later, preferred when the physics held up but would publish anything that sold. He treated writers badly, but was so instrumental in popularizing these stories that the biggest literary award for sci-fi and fantasy works is named for him - the 'Hugo'."
Kimber told the viewers that while magazines was the main go-to for your sci-fi fix in the thirties, comic strips like 'Flash Gordon' and 'Buck Rogers' also began to appear, followed by cinema serials. Also how Mars and Venus were common settings at the time, despite later turning out to be very inhospitable indeed. But a bit of artistic license never hurt anyone.
She went through novelist giants like Asimov, Heinlein and Clarke while noting that Bradbury was a master of the shorter format. And that Philip K. Dick's stories have been made into several well-known movies while the original works have been largely forgotten. Also that the real-world space race made fictional works on the theme popular, as mentioned in a previous episode. I hoped the names she dropped would make it seem we knew more than what we did.
"Cyberpunk is an offshoot inven...maybe not invented, but pioneered by the writer William Gibson. It has a lot in common with film noir, though the setting is usually a near future where technology dominates and sometimes controls everyday life."
She mentioned a couple of his books and the movie 'Blade Runner', adding it was one of those many adaptions of Dick. Philip K, that is.
"But I think what most people picture when they hear 'science fiction' is space opera! It has nothing to do with singing though, the name comes from the stories being as melodramatic as soap operas. Star Wars is probably the best-known example, but pretty much all sci-fi stories putting plot and characters above proper physics may count. It's sometimes called 'soft' science fiction, just to put it in contrast with the hard."
She gave more examples of both, and I admit I'm definitely in the space opera camp. Matter of fact, I don't think I ever read any of the more plausible stuff.
"Hard sci-fi must be getting harder and harder to write, with new and advanced discoveries being made all the time and theories being proven or disproved. Facts are fine but they do hold back the imagination a bit. So science fiction keeps sticking to what it has always done best - discussing ideas and making allegories in a setting not wholly unlike our own. Whether describing utopias or dystopias it's designed to make us think - and hopefully keep us entertained along the way!"
Another sort-of excuse concluded the show:
"It's a huge field, and naming all the authors is like naming all the stars in the sky. If you can help, please do. There were so many picking just a few was almost impossible and the best-known ones might not have had the most interesting ideas. Your recommendations in the comments would be nice, along with a like and subscribe."
We shot two more clips before relaxing with the traditional finish. Putting the valve to use was good for a giggle, but since it came off with the pants a few moments later that's all there was to it. I still got to blow her, of course.

As usual we showed off the finished results to our mates, who were duly impressed.
"That's twice you've mentioned Oz", Alex said, "and I just remembered something! Been so long since I read them but wasn't there balloon people in one?"
I'd only skimmed through one or two and the others none, so I had to look it up. Lex was right - there was a chapter about 'The Loons of Loonville' and the heroes even popped some of them in self-defense. (Don't worry, since it was Oz they could be repaired and reinflated, but still. To save you some time I can say it's in 'The Tin Woodman of Oz'.)
Then came the clean-up video. Wielding a rapier replica like the pulp heroes of yore Kim stabbed every last balloon alien to bits, making short work of the rubber trespassers. Scattered green pieces were all that remained when she was done - and the larger vinyl inflatable, which was carried off for "experimentation". Kim had wanted to pop it too, but that seemed wasteful. Which, come to think of it, sounds rather ridiculous after destroying about thirty balloons like that.
Kriss looked doubtful. "Don't think I've ever seen a little green man go bang in a movie."
"Aliens have a long history of exploding", I said. "Check 'A Trip to the Moon'."
I turned on the later segment of that ancient film for them and Lex doubled over laughing at the sight of the Selenites vanishing in puffs of smoke when struck or thrown to the ground. I suppose she imagined opponents from her judo training meeting the same end.
"And on that note..."
I started up the subscriber video, where we'd cleared the desk and seated one of the spare balloons next to Kim. She'd insisted on me blowing it up just to see how I fared and I think she was disappointed I managed just fine. In front of them were signs (just folded printouts) saying 'KIMBER' above 'Galactic Heroine' and 'PFFFSHHH, Lunarian Ambassador'. Kim pretended to listen half-heartedly to some kind of speech while I crept under the table and carefully let the air out of the ambassador. It made a sound not wholly unlike the name on the card while slowly collapsing onto the flat surface. His neighbor eventually noticed the proceedings with some alarm, but it was too late. The wrinkled balloon was completely empty before she had a chance to react.
"Oh no! Mr. Ambassador?"
Looking left and right for non-existent help she snatched up the balloon and drew a deep breath before hastily blowing it into the hapless dignitary. As she hurried to bring him back to his previous fullness the viewers were treated to the sight of Kim at her widest-eyed and most frantic. Puff after puff contributed to making the alien as fat and swollen as before, and maybe even a little more since it had been pre-inflated. She blew and blew until the balloon actually grew a neck after expanding as much as it ever could, and then it exploded all over the room. The pieces flew off at something approaching light speed, leaving her with just a tiny piece of green material between her fingertips.
Kim had the decency to look surprised and - almost - shocked. She quickly disposed of the evidence.
"Hope this won't lead to any of those interplanetary incidents."
When Lex had finished laughing she turned to her wife. "How do you come up with these things?"
Kim, who had helped thinking it up, shrugged. "Just seemed like something a Galactic Heroine would do."
I could certainly see it happen in a pulp of limited literary merit, but maybe slightly more dramatic and with a different ending. The leading lady using her lung power to save the day would surely go over well with some of the readers - or watchers, depending on medium.
Kriss was more interested in how alien instruments could look, but that's a discussion for another time. What we indulged in was decidedly more down-to-earth.

Our literary summaries hadn't pissed fans off too much, but we did get corrected a lot - with comments approaching essays on both fantasy and science fiction. Saved me work for sure, and some points were genuinely interesting. That Kim would be called 'mother of dragons' was hardly unexpected even if she doesn't watch 'GoT' herself ("too rapey for my tastes") - and neither were the remarks about probing. Ha ha.
Though we were told about something absolutely worth checking out and that was the alien from 'Dark Star', which was laughably bad - on par with our special effects. It's so obviously made from a painted beachball I could see why someone would recommend it to us. Just keep it in mind for future reference.
Oh, and have I mentioned we receive fan art? There'd been a couple of rather cute and flattering pics of Kimber at her desk, but the job as official illustrator was technically filled. Though speaking of filled, the result of showing Kim with a built-in valve was a drawing of her blown up beyond any sense and reason. I suppose it made someone happy, because it wasn't bad. And one commenter had written how much he'd like to see her inflated to that approximate size. Well, why not? I'll never dunk on body inflation as an interest - it's the popping that feels iffy.
Kim was leaning against my shoulder as she studied the artwork. "If that could be done, would you do it?"
"Depends on how durable you'd be."
She shrugged. "Completely pop-proof."
"All right, Kimmy, if I was a hundred percent sure you wouldn't burst I'd blow you up so much I could bounce on you. And a little more while actually bouncing."
"Sounds nice... Lexi says she wouldn't", she almost pouted.
"You know how she is about trust. Let's go ask her again."
We found her lounging with a book about exotic foods and the repeated question - with my assurance of her not breaking - got an answer this time, along with a tight embrace.
"As much as you fucking wanted, Blondie. You wouldn't even fit in the room when I was done."
Kim purred. "More of me to love?"
"Will never be too much of that. You're my One True Mate."
I smiled at the concept Ree had introduced us to and wondered if it still was relevant when having three. Maybe, since we all had some small preference. I wouldn't even have to ask mine, though. I was pretty damn sure I knew what she'd say already.

With so many special episodes done so closely together it felt nice to make a couple of regular ones in the hot tub. Though they felt a bit like fillers, and I don't mean what Kimber did with her inflatables. It was a bit of dilemma - if we made too many themed ones they'd become the new standard and that kind of expectations would be no fun at all. And yet I felt the stuff we'd aimed for at the start was lacking something. I decided that ending each one with a 'Today's Trivia' segment would be enough for the moment, but as for the future...
Ah well, I'm happy to leave such thoughts to sci-fi writers.

[ChillinHaze]

Lots of great authors and stories mentioned in this one ^^
And very funny ideas with the balloons!
I just have to ask though that Dark Star movie, is it real or just a fiction for story's sake? xD

[Harley]

Oh, Dark Star is real for sure! Also John Carpenter's first movie - if you thought his later works were low budget, check this snippet out...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xEepPy2mfeY

Glad you liked the balloon usage, the main point of this story - yes, I know it may be hard to believe - is after all to find funny or interesting ways to include blow-ups in a webshow! Might take this opportunity to mention (for those of you who wonder how long I intend to ramble on) I'm going for a full year, to make use of all seasons. And a bit more, since I have another Christmas episode in mind... :P

[Infl8]

I liked the use of the alien shaped balloons. Those were really neat. I was wondering, will any other shaped balloons make it in future episodes?